I thought I decided that writing in the morning time makes the most sense for me, in the evening I have a lot going on or simply flat out too tired from being busy all day and I make even more excuses the later the day gets, so I figured to avoid that I will just work on my blog in the morning but I didn't instead I kept myself busy doing other things. This morning I kept allowing myself to get distracted from coming here to blog but either way I'm here, it is the evening time but still I'm standing my ground and keeping my commitment to write.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what I will do rather than simply remain here and do what is required to be done within and as breath within and as moment
I didn't go anywhere today, well except on a short walk and it was nice I enjoy walking it's finally cooling down here.
Tomorrow I have a 'big day' ahead of me, I speak to some people in top positions and I'm going to ask them to help me achieve something that supports all parties involved. I'm somewhat uncertain and apprehensive about the whole thing.
I've haven't actually directed this point effectively before and I lack confidence in my abilities. I fear I will get really excited and begin speaking from excitement and energy and then lose my footing because I won't convey the point effectively and then just deflate and fall flat on my face defeated and overcome by fear to then just return home to share my misfortune and the misfortune they must succumb to as well because I was unable to maintain my composure.
I fear that I won't speak effectively in our meeting this is the primary point I'm working with because I know that from my heart I know what to share but at the same time I try to sound smart and use big words but they never come out right because after all, I can't fake something that isn't real. I can't use words that I don't fully understand, it just doesn't work.
What I'm speaking of to them has to do with education and reading yet how can I support people with regards to education when I haven't properly educated myself? On the other hand I'm the perfect example of what happens when someone is poorly educated. I want to give them a solid reason for why they should hear me out and not only that but agree with me and to what I suggest.
I happen to be one of those people who fell through the cracks and now lack self-esteem because of a poor education. My parents had a limited supply of money when I was growing up and as you may already know, they all go hand in hand money, education, self-esteem. If you don't have one or more of these things you will inevitably have a limited scope of life, because then one is unable to fully understand the world around them. Whether we are talking about our direct scope of influence or a greater scope of influence its all determined by how well one can understand words, listen, write, read and speak.
It has been proven if a person has a proper education and of course the ability to read that one will have a greater respect for themselves, others and are also more likely to care of the environment etc.
This all makes perfect sense since words create our world. Also did you know that people who read are more self-aware and are less likely to have children out of wedlock, less likely to go to jail, hurt others or themselves, less likely to be on welfare are more likely to vote and the list goes on and on.
Search online - type in the word or words, literacy facts, illiteracy statistics, self-esteem, reading etc. The statistics might astound you and you just may read a book if you aren't already.
I realize that in my life fear has been partly due to insecurity, my crap education and my poor reading ability. When people are educated and able to read effectively they are more likely to try knew things, and be effective human beings able to live effective lives
I went off on a tangent a bit but I do realize reading has a huge impact on all beings on this planet and the planet itself.
Anyhow I feel this way every time I meet new people that I will present with something for their consideration and seek an agreement even if it is that which is best for all.
I don't want just an agreement because I tricked them but because they truly see, hear and understand the importance and urgency to act. I want to know that what I speak of sticks and that they are also able to relay the same message to others as well and the only way they can actually do that is if I was clear, concise and direct and the fear is that that I won't be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project to others that they must urgently act when it is me in fact who must act because I see realize and understand the importance of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cower and cringe at a task because of fear even though I see, realize and understand that what I'm doing is what is best for all
thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to people in authoritative roles and immediately go into the inferiority character
It is also unacceptable for me to accept the inferior position from myself and anyone else in this world. I'm able to do more than I think I can - Because thinking is quite unnecessary and is the road to separation, fear, abuse, back-chat and limitation which in turn leads to self-sabotage and diminishment.
I start here in this breath writing and reading to clearly in writing define my starting point one that supports all life one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear simply speaking with someone because they are in an authoritative position
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'm gonna fuck up and say something stupid that will make them decide what what I'm suggesting is stupid
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately react in fear and become nervous before I get into situations where I'm asking someone to do something for me even if it will also be to their benefit
I just did it again rubbed both my eyes at the same time and almost yawned but I stopped myself by taking a deep breath instead
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically want to shut down when writing about the fear of meeting people in authoritative positions
-oh man, another couple of big yawns
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to go to exist as the character of and as self-defeat
Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself before giving myself the opportunity to even make a mistake even if that is what it must be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge mistakes as negative experiences that I loathe and wish to avoid at all costs
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define perfection as positive and good and wish to always do things perfectly without mistake
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power and authority away to polarity manifestations
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make mistakes nor see mistakes as mini gifts I give to myself to allocate what and where I'm able to further develop my abilities to become a more effective human being
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to grant myself the opportunity to correct myself and simply walk through resistance
Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive this sleepy feeling/experience is real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get freaked out and nervous and that what I say will come across to the person I'm speaking with ineffectively and I will end up fucking everything up for myself and everyone involved
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put extreme pressure on myself to do well and at the same time participate in the opposite polarity which is what exists within my chest and solar plexus its the energetic charge of fear, nervousness, anxiety
This fear, nervousness and anxiety experience seems to be unapparent yet I know its there because once I finally speak it all comes out in one go and then I really mess up and walk through my self-created hell called back-chat reloaded
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can't really understand why I experience such immense fear therefore I won't be able to actually correct myself and stop my participation in this feeling of fear, anxiety and nervousness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and analyze fear and give attention to it rather then keeping my attention here within and as breath
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if they don't agree with me I will feel bad and then consider myself as a failure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, perceive and have the opinion that if they do not agree or accept my proposal they are rejecting me and don't like me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection and want people to like and approve of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to this whole time that I was thinking of all the things that could go wrong, abuse my human physical body, those around me and all that is here that is physical because rather then remaining here within and as breath earthed, I was in my mind in some alternate make believe reality that I can supposedly disregard when I'm in a mind fuck
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse self/one/all as me here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think for a moment that I don't even know all of me so therefore I can not speak of as all of me here - what a fuck up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still want to be there somewhere in the future where I might be equal to all here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself as breath here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that remaining here within and as breath is my greatest tool for and as self-support
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