Day 22: Self-Judgement as Writers Block

ok here again,

I thought as long as a wrote my blog consistently I would be able to cover my ass sort of speak therefore I now see realize and understand that I still write from the starting point of others rather than focusing my attention here to sort myself out properly without the requirement of an outside force but rather I direct myself to stand for and as the commitment to support myself through and as writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately react to daily writing with the fear thought of - Oh shit what if I can not do it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I may not have time and therefore break my commitment rather than realizing I direct myself in each moment and I simply schedule my time effectively and stick to my schedule, after all I make it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move when I feel pressure and only support myself for a short time due to allowing the so called 'pressure' to accumulate within myself as a burst of energy a charge that I allowed to move me rather than seeing realizing and understanding that because of allowing self to be moved directed and controlled by energy I would then have the opposite point come in which is allowing the pressure to direct me in a way that I do not write, in fact I never directed myself nor gave myself the directive control to actually change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to energy charges and not direct myself to write within and as the starting point of and self here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in positive and negative energy fluctuations of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that all the time when I write I speak about the same points and am not getting anywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the end rather then remaining here and realizing that within remaining here, present I'm able to support self by bringing all parts of self here within and as breath

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have allowed self-suppression through allowing and accepting the thought of I don't know how to word what I'd like to say effectively to remain and exist within and as me thus not actually here present to be able to recognize that I was actually pushing thoughts, feelings, pictures and emotions deep within me to avoid self-intimacy all together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at war with myself and shove thoughts down within myself and think that somehow by doing this repeatedly I can avoid facing points that require clear self-honest self-direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my ability to place words effectively within my writings is terrible and inaccurate and therefore seeing this as a possible problem for those that that read this blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be perceived as perfect, I realize that I am not yet the perfection of and as life equal and one and for me to try and attempt to be perfect at this point is silly because at this stage in my process the only perfection possible for me would be the perfection of a system of abuse and separation thus it is my self-responsibility to walk backwards and delete my memories and accepted and allowed character creations to thus exist here within and as breath and return to nothingness to be able to stand as a living example of and as perfection as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive sorting myself out to be a daunting task

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a means to try and escape self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive for a moment that walking my process may be futile because there is a chance that I'm unable to actually support myself to return to nothingness in this lifetime and recreate myself and live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive anything at all and to use those thoughts beliefs and perceptions as justifications and excuses to further enslave myself to the self-limited ideas I have allowed from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become discouraged with myself and my abilities due to giving in when I could have supported myself thus allowing self-diminishment through fucking with my self-directed control, self-trust and self-discipline

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write many blogs and create vlogs that I never posted out of fear of judgement and to constantly delete what I have written or what I spoke about because I saw it as unworthy of being viewed or read by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into self-judgement rather then approaching myself head on directing myself to not allow or accept thoughts of limitation to direct and control my actions words and deeds