Day 13: Self-Abuse

This is a continuation of the previous blog regarding accomplishment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing self corrective statements regarding accomplishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear correcting myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to again put off writing because I was thinking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to time loop also know as a stupid loop the point of writing consistently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the I don't know, I am too dumb, this is too hard, it's all too much to handle, I am not educated, I am inferior, I can't do it, it is impossible, its not for me, I am not smart enough, I am not good enough, that is foreign too me, I am incapable, pity me, feel sorry for me, self-sabotaging, self-judgemental, self-deprecating characters so that I will never stand up for myself as life and never support myself in being effective because I give up and give in before I even get my hands dirty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of accomplishment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inconsistent, flaky and unreliable 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make all of these ideas I have of myself real by participating in thoughts of these points and not directing myself to stop immediately and forgive myself for moving into the mind and away from here within and as the physical reality within and as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed off of the energy of self-abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy of self-abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good when I feel bad and to feed off of the energy of emotional energetic movements/charges within my solar plexus

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will never know why I do this and why I like it and why i've allowed this for so long

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep this energy feeding a secret from others because I have formed a relationship with it 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to doubt myself just now and doubt that what I just forgave is really happening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access a jack-in-the-box memory of being a child filled laying in bed experiencing the same self-abusive energy of self-hate back chat as if the self abusive back-chat were a long time friend and companion a part of me who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as melancholy but only when I'm alone at night in bed where I can be alone with my friend "the energy of self-abuse"

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that I have allowed myself to become absolutely possessed by and through self-abuse that I create through accessing memories and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself and at the same time like punishing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm my human physical body through and by participating in energy without realizing that this causes the diminishment of my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider what the consequence for participating in energy will do and has done to my human physical body

I see bit more clearly now how I have created the fear of accomplishment character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to myself that I should not continue writing but rather delete my entire blog because I set an unrealistic goal for myself of writing out self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a wave of tiredness come over me

here I am, I breathe here

I commit myself to no longer give my power away to fear of writing

I commit myself to no longer fear change

I commit myself to no longer judge my self-corrective statements as inferior to others I have read

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my writing to the writing of others and always deem mine as inferior and theirs as superior and then allow the creation consequence of self-defeat and separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a consequence that would deem me seemingly unresponsible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself using logic

I commit myself to direct and move myself within and as the starting point of doing what is best for all

I commit myself to stop my participation in night time rituals of self-abusive thoughts and going into experiences of energetic movements

I commit myself to investigate what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as within self-dishonesty, separation and self-abuse

I commit myself to support myself to take self-responsibility for myself and stop hiding myself in secret in thoughts of self-abuse

I commit myself to stop emotional crying

I commit myself to self-investigate, self-writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application

Day 12: Accomplishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry that I do not have enough time to do what I want to do daily

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed and be unoriented

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worried I will never get my bearings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will not have financial stability and must always be in a state of fear so that I will be able to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become completely delusional and think, believe and perceive that the only way I can survive is if I remain in constant fear of survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like the more I do the more incapable I become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be confused about what accomplishment is and wonder if accomplishment is good or bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word accomplishment within  polarity

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that by giving a word a definition based in polarity I limit myself to the positive and negative value I have given to a word and only exist as the word within the manifestation of polarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define accomplishment as egotistical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define accomplishment as bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that accomplishment is wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative emotional charge to the word accomplishment thus react emotionally to the word accomplishment whenever I hear it, write it and speak it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly wonder about accomplishment and what it is rather than clearing the definition for myself as self-support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I were to accomplish a goal or goals I would be a show off

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define accomplishment as showing off

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others think of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show off to prove to others that I have value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous of people who are accomplished or always accomplish what they set out to do and think to myself that they are showing off

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that people who have accomplished a lot in their life are special and have qualities that I just wasn't born with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accomplishment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to accomplishment and to define myself as inferior to being able to accomplish what I set out to do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word accomplishment and for never actually looking up the definition of accomplishment to clarify my starting point with regards to this specific word


I looked up the definition and this is what I found:

ac·com·plish·ment

noun /əˈkämpliSHmənt/  accomplishments, plural Something that has been achieved successfully - the reduction of inflation was a remarkable accomplishment The successful achievement of a task - the accomplishment of planned objectives An activity that a person can do well, typically as a result of study or practice - long-distance running was another of her accomplishments Skill or ability in an activity - a poet of considerable accomplishment

ac·com·plish·ment  (-kmplsh-mnt)

n.

1. The act of accomplishing or the state of being accomplished; completion.

2. Something completed successfully; an achievement.

3. An acquired skill or expertise: a singer known for his accomplishment in vocal technique.

4. Social poise and grace.

Cool so I see here that accomplishment is not a bad, wrong or an egotistical point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not know how to be effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never be effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be effective as a future projection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am incapable of being consistent, stable, specific and effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposefully go to a memory of when I felt I was financially stable as a means of accessing a feelinge and wish I could feel that way again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though I was more effective when I was in a relationship and in my old living environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that moving to another state was possibly a terrible idea and that because I had high expectations that I now have to go to the consequence of being unsuccessful as self-punishment for having future projections of all the things I could accomplish when I moved 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-realization as self-punishment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from effectiveness and for placing effectiveness and accomplishment as something separate from me 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss being in a relationship with someone who is financially stable because I could depend on him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to for so long put my process and my effectiveness on the back burner because I feared losing the relationship which I also equated with being financially stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give money a greater value than life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another person for personal financial gain and stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek stability somewhere out there rather then realizing here I am, I embrace stability as myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate that now I am faced with having to care for myself financially and fear I do not have it in me to do it and also support myself in the process of birthing myself as life within and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for being inconsistent and for making excuses for myself for being inconsistent


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and justify to myself why I was ineffective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being inconsistent in my process and application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making a mistake is me supporting myself in seeing where I am able to become effective

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that when I make a mistake it is an opportunity and gift I grant myself to support myself within becoming more specific within my application of living what is best for all and to see where I am still allowing self-dishonesty so that I am able to correct myself here within and as breath

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that I do not yet realize see or understand every single point as this would be impossible because I am not yet self-honest thus I must first practice self-honesty and make the necessary mistakes and let go of self-judgement and self-sabotage to support myself effectively to walk breath by breath in every moment here physically in self-trust and self-honesty to live what is best for all life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the believe that I am not capable of being consistent and stable for no more than short bursts of time

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I am stable and consistent for short bursts of time I was not in fact consistent or stable thus I was existing as energy fluctuations of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, not here present within and as breath directing myself in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like everything I touch turns to shit and that I am incapable of finishing what I start

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and blame the money system for why I feel inferior to money all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define money as superior to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge money and the money system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from money and for judging money as if money is separate manifestation from myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to stand equal to money and the money system within the realization that the money system exists here and I exist here physically and I am equally responsible for the money system in the way in which it is currently structured and therefore I am responsible for the abuse that has been allowed and accepted to be created through allowing an existence of such a system to perpetuate and infiltrate all and every facet of this world and this reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and create a money system that is unequal and for requiring a monetary system in the first place because I can not trust myself thus I do not trust my neighbor and thus within existing as self-distrust I have allowed and accepted that there will always be a winner and a loser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-trust because to trust myself means I am responsible for my actions, thoughts words and deed's

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility of my actions, thoughts, words and deeds within and as spitefulness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself and others as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money because it seems like no matter how much or hard I work to gain money the less financially stable I become


I forgive myself that I have not seen, realized or understood that I created loss of money through accepting and allowing myself to fear losing money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous of those with money and wish I had money too because then I would have freedom to then do what I want to do 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that without money I will never amount to anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by having or not having money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value money more than myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the idea that I am limited and that I will always be limited

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the ideas I have of myself as limitation onto others and then feel like because they are limited and I am limited and that everything we attempt to do will eventually just turn to shit 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may only get one chance and opportunity to be successful in this life and if I do not support myself effectively I won't be able to do what it is I plan to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that I only have this one chance and opportunity to be successful thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that for one to be successful one must create a way to be successful through consistency, writing, breathing here, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-correction in every moment within the starting point of acting, speaking and doing what is best for all life here equal and one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create thoughts of self limitation and participate in them and believe that these thoughts are me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to thoughts and make them superior to me

Will walk self-corrective statements in my next blog.

Day 11: The past must be forgiven - I correct myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off writing my self-corrective statements


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear writing out self-corrective statements


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear writing out clear self-corrective statements for myself because I fear that I will not follow through on what I commit to


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself to do what is best for all in every single moment


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake and allowing myself to go into discomfort when considering self-corrective statements


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what self-corrective statements to write and fear that I will miss something and then timeloop the points


I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize the absurdity of allowing fear of timeloops while at the same time going into a time loop to avoid one


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to work out self-corrective statements in my mind as thoughts and not realize that by doing this I will never correct myself thus writing self-corrective statements is a physical act and so is self-correction therefore I realize that to correct myself I must work with what is physically here breathe, write, self-direct 


I commit myself to no longer exist as shame and regret with regards to my past relationships


I no longer allow myself to define myself as as slut, player, cheater, liar, manipulator or inferior towards men 


I commit to standing equal and one with and as men as me here and no longer participate in ideas regarding male and female 'roles' 


I no longer accept myself to believe in the idea that I am and always will be a limited person and that I am no more than my memories 


I no longer accept or allow myself to believe that my memories define me and that my past is all I have the ability of being and existing as because it was what I allowed myself to be and live for so long


I commit myself to remain here within and as breath thus I embrace all of me and am not limited to past or future but I am able to bring it all here as me to face myself, forgive myself, correct myself, direct myself and embrace myself within and as self-honesty and self-intimacy



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base self-direction and change on the past and to think that because I have allowed myself to exist this way for so long that I can not be trusted because I never trusted myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never trust myself to be self-honest



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I only deserve the worst and that I am undeserving of life and living here


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to thoughts of inferiority towards life and for using this as an excuse to not face myself 


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realise and understand that this is the ego and that I have allowed myself to give my power away to the ego the I have created


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ego as a defense mechanism 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that feelings and emotions are real and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am the only one that can give make them valid through participation in them


I commit to no longer giving my power away to feelings and emotions when I feel energetic movement within me I stop, breathe delete the thought, feeling and or emotion and remain here within and as the physical



I see, realise and understand that I am able to be satisfied with myself and my participation and I don't have to have this doom and gloom feeling of inferiority, self-judgement and shame looming over me as if I deserve only the worst and that somehow I am still undeserving of life 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear life because it is the unknown because I have never lived in fact but only existed as the mind as thoughts, feeling and emotions thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my thoughts feelings and emotions as my precious as points I do not want to let go of because I have throughout my existence defined myself as them with them in separation from me here as all as one as equal as life



I commit myself to practice remaining here within and as breath 


If I go into the mind and start thinking or believing that I can't do something because of a past memory or memories that may pop-up like a jack-in-the-box I stop, I breathe, bring myself back here within and as the physical and say out loud here I am, I am here and touch my physical body and become aware of my physical body and listen to sounds in the physical as self support in earthing myself and if I am near the animals I will pet them and play with them or touch my agreement partner or anyone or anything physical close by lol! as self support in earthing myself to bring myself here and not allow myself to recreate what I have forgiven and let go of


I commit myself to no longer define myself according to my past and work with what is here at a physical level directing myself in the moment to do what is best for all 


furthermore, I commit to support myself and others as myself if a thought comes up that I should lie, cheat or abuse myself or another as me I breathe and look here at the possible consequence if I were to participate in what I have committed to no longer participate in and stop the thoughts by saying stop, I am here and not give energy to thoughts take in a deep breath and continue working with what is here if the point persists I direct myself and support myself in the moment and speak self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements out loud until I am clear and satisfied that I have cleared my starting point and walk here

Day 10: Once a cheater always a cheater?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to and cheat on men 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat myself out of the ability to express myself here as a real human being with care and consideration for myself and others as myself equal and one


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own thought patterns of always thinking about sex toward men


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and judge myself for thinking about sex thus not allowing myself to see that I felt guilt for thinking about sex and rather than face myself and my participation in perverse thoughts project and turn self-judgement into judgement out there toward men so I never had to face myself and what I was participating in and as


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts of sex and what it would be like to have sex with strangers and wonder how large their dick is


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at men and be curious how they would fuck


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be curious what it would be like to have a threesome


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and desire to be with many men so that I could experience all the different men out there so that I do not miss out on an experience


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an experience and not see that an experience is simply based in energy positive and negative and that because I want an experience I am not actually real here living breathing on earth but in separation to and toward something seeking to fulfill something I do not realize is not out there but here 


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-intimate because self-intimacy requires for me to embrace all of me here and sort myself out the good/bad and the ugly 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I must fuck multiple men in order to express myself sexually thus not realizing that I can express myself with one partner if I stopped thinking about sex and rather expressed myself here physically within self-honesty with and as another as equal


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never consider self-honesty and thus never allowed myself to embrace myself as self intimacy and intimacy with another as me equal and one


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to watch porn so that I can get tips on how to be a better lover 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like when men are aggressive in the bedroom so that I can feel innocent 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex and sexuality as bad/wrong/dirty


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a slut for liking sex


I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to realize that sex is simply another way to express myself here and does not require to have any attachments of guilt


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have booty calls so that I could have secret sex that no one but myself and the other person would know about so that I could express myself in my secrecy 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to keep that I enjoy sex a secret with people I have defined as superior to me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like secret sex and sex where someone could find out and get aroused by the idea of it rather then being here enjoying myself here with another as myself in the physical and not in my mind as thoughts 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my human physical body and the body of others to maintain an energy high based on inferiority and superiority


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of all the different partners I have had sex 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately lie to every single man I went into a relationship with regarding how many partners I've been and with tell them that they were the best just to make sure they were feeling good about themselves thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself self-honest communication and always end up dissatisfied in the end because the communication was unclear and the entire starting point was a fuck up based in self-interest/ego/shame and self-deception


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when I lied because I could act as if I was innocent and pure/clean


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having one night stands


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mutually use and be used for sex thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be entirely directed by my mind and never consider our physical human body's and what I put it through because I never considered my body only the energy I would get from having sex with men in secret


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sex for a mind fuck


I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to go into a personality when having sex with strange men and express myself differently because I was not reserved and did not have to pretend to be sweet and innocent when I was truly a wolf in sheeps clothing waiting the next person to gain an energetic charge from


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become aroused by thinking about sex and not through physical touch


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I won something when I would have secret sex or cheat on men because I felt superior as if I got away with something, I got away with murder thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself every time I had sex because it was all about energy and not about what is real not about considering another as myself not about breath not about physical touch just ego games and vampirism


To be continued... Thanks for reading

Day 9: Men Why YOU!?

This blog is a continuation my blogs day:5 & day:8
I suggest reading those first to get a greater perspective of how this blog came about.

I commit myself to no longer allow or accept myself to exist as manipulation one who  uses men to gain something from them sex, money and energy

I see here I am not actually able to write out specific self corrective statements thus  I have not yet fully investigated who I am within this yet to the point of self realization with regards to actually taking responsibility therefore what is here is that I see that I have allowed myself to blame men and abuse men because I have allowed myself to separate myself from men and project my own feelings of inferiority toward men unto men and say nasty things like I hate men, men are nasty fucks, men suck, men are assholes, men are abusive, men are only good for two things, money and sex, men are stupid fucks, men are perverts, men only want one thing, men are pieces of shit and deserve to be treated poorly, men are players, men are dense, men are boring, men stick together and deceive women, men only care about one thing (sex) men always think with their dick heads and not their real heads and within this I have allowed and accepted myself to blame men for the self-judgement I have accepted and allowed of myself to ultimately attain a position of power and superiority in my mind to win. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior to men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say nasty things about myself and then suppress those points through blaming and judging men so that I never have to take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a nasty fucker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as suckie

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as an asshole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as abusive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as only good for two purposes making money and having sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a stupid fuck

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as perverse 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for only wanting one thing from men thus I had never allowed myself to be intimate with me here within self-investigation, self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-responsibility and self-correction to see what I was allowing and accepting and stop myself from existing as a spiteful, angry person 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself through accepting and allowing myself to blame and judge men and then project the anger I have toward myself at them 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others as one with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a piece of shit that only  deserves to be treated poorly

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that the only one that is able to treat me poorly is me 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be with men that treat me poorly so then I can confirm the idea I have of myself that men are in fact all the definitions I have believe them to be in my self-dishonesty so again I did not have to face myself and the consequences I create for myself for the acceptance and allowance of separation and self-dishonesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a player and become a player and play with men as if they are a commodity to fulfill all my wants and needs with their goods and services (money, sex and energy)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as dense and actually become dense meaning I allowed myself to build up this dense fort as defense so that I would never have to take responsibility for myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself boring, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the manifestation of bordem from the perspective that I always did the same tricks in an attempt to not face consequence the reality of what I have allowed as myself the limitation I have allowed as myself, the fear I have allowed of and as myself, the blame and self-judgement I have allowed myself to exist as and express as if I were real when in reality I was not real at all just a program living out a pre-programmed life an organic robot that only acted from the starting point of reactions, feelings, emotions, opinions, fear ect. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only allow women to know what I was really up to being honest but still not self honest as a way to get back at men and build up an idea that I had comradery with another and used that point as a way to justify all the blame and judgement I was projecting onto men (men are bad women are good)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge men as bad and women as good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in polarity manifestations of the mind consciousness system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define all women as inferior to men therefore I allowed the feeling of  needing to form a team or group to stand with to combat men to stand with women as equal enforcers of my beliefs

I will continue my investigations and self-forgiveness in the blog to come, it is again time for bed... Thanks for reading.

Day 8: Boyfriend #1 intertwined with Boyfriend #2

My Second Boyfriend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat on my first boyfriend with my second boyfriend because I was too shit scared and felt sorry for my first boyfriend that I figured it was more fucked up to leave him than to cheat on him and stay because a little of me in his life was better than none

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that he never really did deserve me and that I was too good for him because I was taller, older and better looking comparably 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used this excuse as a valid and justifiable reason to cheat on someone so that I never had to take responsibility for my nasty behavior and for treating someone without respect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk all over boyfriend #1 to get what I wanted from him and pretend that I really cared when I didn't care about anything but my own self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful toward him because I felt his kindness was not true or real but an ill attempt to keep me to be his as if I were a prize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self-honest because that would have meant I would have to come clean about all the terrible shit I did behind his back and admit to my self-dishonesty, deception, manipulation and ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have said that I kissed his friend so he would leave me because I didnt have the courage to be self-honest with him so instead of telling him what I had really been up to, I just used something that would be easy so I knew he would be angry and leave me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to all the while only use "kissing his friend" as a decoy for what I had actually been up to, to excuse myself from what I had really been up to  flirting with and spending lots of time being wooed by a totally different man for months prior to leaving him "kissing his friend" seemed like the lesser of two evils I went for the bait 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be aroused by the idea of being caught with another man and liking to do something sneaky for the adrenaline rush of energy using spite/deceit/sneakiness as the fuel for my ego to run on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel aroused when a man "seduces me"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea of being seduced as a point of justification so that I can ultimately blame them and perceive and project that I'm innocent "actually" and then be able to say it was all their fault

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the cowardly way out and even when he said he would stay with me and that he would forgive me to make it seem as if I was nice enough to come clean so he wouldn't hear that I kissed his friend through the grape vine and say to him that I was so sorry but that it just wouldn't work with no real explanation 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead him on for months and use him for sex and oral sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start a secret romance with my second boyfriend for months before finally admitting to my first boyfriend that I was no longer interested in being in a relationship with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never explore myself within and as self honesty in seeing what would develop if I were to have just been self honest with him as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the rush and adventure of being with a man that was new and totally different and of a different race 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be aroused by having sex with a man of a different race to spite my family and friends to show them I have power and control and I can do what I want all the while never seeing the individual just using them to get energy from them like a vampire

I will continue tomorrow it is time for bed 

Day 7: Heaviness Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing more on the topic of weight gain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about what I will say this time around have have future projections of not getting to the core of weight gain because it has so many dimensions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I am not aware enough to fully see what I have allowed and accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility for what I have created through using the excuse that I am not aware enough to understand myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as spite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find anything to do other than write out my self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not find the vocabulary to forgive myself correctly and to write out self corrective statements correctly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear gaining weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always gain weight because I will never be able to be self-honest about food and my relationship to food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior to food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am unable to make clear decisions about food and eating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fat as negative as something disgusting / revolting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my human physical body to such an extent that I do not know what is supportive for my body with regards to food and eating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will never figure out what to eat and will always be subject to being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that food causes me to become fat while all the while disregarding how I have created my body this way through eating for the mind and not as self support for my body here equal and one with food as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body because I was in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I will never figure this out as a back-door excuse for not wanting to actually forgive myself for my acceptance and allowances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make eating to be an experience rather then me simply eating to support my body standing equal to all foods as me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge food and to fear food because of the many judgement's allowed myself to project onto food

I forgive myself for not allowing or accepting myself to be here present within and as breath while I eat but rather I have immediately allowed myself to participate in back-chat about the food the portion the effect the food might have on my body how the food will make me look

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking a certain way because I have given value to a picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to look good on the outside as a particular picture (thin) so people will judge me as the picture so that no one will ever know what is going on within me and think I have it all together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the self judgement I have accepted and allowed onto others and through this abdicate self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility and through this allow my body to suffer the consequence

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to see that my body is here supporting me as it to see what I have allowed and accepted so that I can face myself and the inner darkness I want to keep secret from everyone most of all myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn to food as a way to cope with the inner conflict I exist as instead of breathing, writing, applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and walk the correction here within and as the physical

I commit to writing when conflicts arise and no longer allow myself to turn to food to cope with what is here as me but rather breath, write, apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and walk the correction because I am able to do so - it is my responsibility to correct myself for all self-dishonesty I have allowed, accepted and created

Gaining weight is not about food its about me not directing myself to take self-responsibility for memories, emotions, feelings, thoughts, judgements ect. It is not food at all its not my body's fault my body has supported me equal and one within showing me through weight gain that I was missing myself I was missing the point the point is me.