I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat on my first boyfriend with my second boyfriend because I was too shit scared and felt sorry for my first boyfriend that I figured it was more fucked up to leave him than to cheat on him and stay because a little of me in his life was better than none
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that he never really did deserve me and that I was too good for him because I was taller, older and better looking comparably
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used this excuse as a valid and justifiable reason to cheat on someone so that I never had to take responsibility for my nasty behavior and for treating someone without respect
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk all over boyfriend #1 to get what I wanted from him and pretend that I really cared when I didn't care about anything but my own self interest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful toward him because I felt his kindness was not true or real but an ill attempt to keep me to be his as if I were a prize
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self-honest because that would have meant I would have to come clean about all the terrible shit I did behind his back and admit to my self-dishonesty, deception, manipulation and ego
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have said that I kissed his friend so he would leave me because I didnt have the courage to be self-honest with him so instead of telling him what I had really been up to, I just used something that would be easy so I knew he would be angry and leave me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to all the while only use "kissing his friend" as a decoy for what I had actually been up to, to excuse myself from what I had really been up to flirting with and spending lots of time being wooed by a totally different man for months prior to leaving him "kissing his friend" seemed like the lesser of two evils I went for the bait
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be aroused by the idea of being caught with another man and liking to do something sneaky for the adrenaline rush of energy using spite/deceit/sneakiness as the fuel for my ego to run on
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel aroused when a man "seduces me"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea of being seduced as a point of justification so that I can ultimately blame them and perceive and project that I'm innocent "actually" and then be able to say it was all their fault
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the cowardly way out and even when he said he would stay with me and that he would forgive me to make it seem as if I was nice enough to come clean so he wouldn't hear that I kissed his friend through the grape vine and say to him that I was so sorry but that it just wouldn't work with no real explanation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead him on for months and use him for sex and oral sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start a secret romance with my second boyfriend for months before finally admitting to my first boyfriend that I was no longer interested in being in a relationship with him
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never explore myself within and as self honesty in seeing what would develop if I were to have just been self honest with him as me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the rush and adventure of being with a man that was new and totally different and of a different race
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be aroused by having sex with a man of a different race to spite my family and friends to show them I have power and control and I can do what I want all the while never seeing the individual just using them to get energy from them like a vampire
I will continue tomorrow it is time for bed
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