By the time I met our new assistant manager I had conjured up many ideas and beliefs about him based on what my co-workers had told me the past week. I did not think that I was doing this but it was exactly what I did, whenever we met and he spoke to me spoke to me about anything my back-chat when haywire and I filtered what I would heard him say to me through all the gossip I had been hearing.
I thought oh no here we go... This guy thinks he can come in and change everything. Boy! What a slap in the face! After all the hard work we have been doing. This guy doesn't know shit from Shinola. He thinks he can come in here and tell us what a horrible job we've all been doing when he hasn't even seen how everything works and how much hard work we put in day in and day out. Now I know exactly what everyone had been talking about! The nerve of some people! Sheesh. What is this guy some kind of dictator or something?
So I tacitly allowed myself to participate in gossip and also directly participated in gossip in my mind and even though I thought that because I hadn't said anything out loud to anyone that I was clear. Yeah right! Who was I fooling?
One day about a week later I was at work at the end of my shift I was approaching my 15th hour of work, I was well fed up with work and I was tired as hell. My co-workers and I were in our storeroom putting equipment away and someone brought up his name again and started talking smack (The same story) So and so is lazy as hell, he doesn't do anything, he's must be crazy to think he can come here and change things, he doesn't even know what he's doing and then the other guy chimmed in and added his two cents about how every time he does something this assistant manager goes behind him and tells him to change it all then he changes it to his liking and then at the last minute decides to change it back to how it was originally. This guy must be on a power trip no one wants to do double work, we are busy enough. So I felt my body become charged with energy I went off the deep end and started talking all this nasty shit about this person behind his back about how lazy he is and agreeing to what everyone had said, I said he needs to help us instead of tell us what to do and that he doesn't have enough background about anything and wants to change things that are working fine! WTF!
When I began to speak I felt this energy become more and more pronounced in my body and I stopped for a moment and thought this is not cool I am gossiping this is dishonest but I could not stop I just went on and on and actually did physical movements to mimic what this man did and mimic how he made a mess of the storeroom and expected me to clean it up. I mocked him and boasted about how I told him he has to help us and shared how I wasn't going to accept it.
On my drive home from work I considered what I said and I knew it was dishonest but I still held onto this idea of grandeur that I had of myself. Deep down I realized it was not acceptable what I had just done and what I had said. I let it go and refused to consider that I should speak self-forgiveness. Although I did note the energetic charge I felt in my body when I spoke about him it was a clear indication that I was not speaking in the best interest of all and was a flag point that I must stop speaking immediately. But I did not stop myself, I was on a roll at the time. I held a grudge and allowed myself to be spiteful.
The very next day we had a chat on the Desteni Forum and Bernard said "that the throat point will be a problem for many people, many times in years to come." I asked him how come? He replied "The human speak words that is not best for all life." In that one sentence I knew what he meant and I felt guilty for what I had done and then I had a reaction of fear, I thought to myself oh fuck what have I done now I will most likely end up with a terrible throat ache because I did just that yesterday, I hate those.
I applied Self Forgiveness but from the starting point of fear, the fear that I would become ill. I have been in process long enough to see how quickly consequence become manifested.
The next day I was laying in bed petting one of that cats that lives here and my throat started to burn and it felt like I had razors cutting the inner lining of my throat. I thought to myself oh, it must be the cat maybe I got some of her hair in my throat.
I still didn't want to see what I had done.
The next day I became very ill and I could not speak because my throat burned of pain. I spoke very little that day one of my co-worked started to talk trash about my new assistant manager. I said stop I do not want to gossip about him. I bet you that is how come I am feeling bad. lets stop talking about him and so the conversation about him ended.
I called out to work the next day. I rarely call in sick, this the first time in a long time and I have only called in about four to five times in over six years. I felt like total shit from my head to my toe with the most prominent pain being in my throat. I lay in bed for nearly 48 hours straight and had trouble lifting my limbs. I was weak I felt like someone who was over a century old. My head pounded. I was feverish. My nose would not stop running, I went to so much t-ISSUE I coughed and coughed this terrible looking green sticky mucous up about every minute. In just a little over one day I went to feeling fine to feeling like I was on my death bed. Well okay, death bed is a bit of an exaggeration but I felt like I was hit by a truck - I hurt let me put it that way.
We had another chat I can't recall if it was the same day or the next but I was talking about how sick I was and I blamed my illness on that fact that I could be detoxing from the oxygen therapy I was doing. I also thought maybe I got sick from a co-worker who was sick about a month back. I blamed it on the fact that I just cleaned black mold I found on my window seal. Someone in the chat said Deedra this isn't personal but it could be all in your head. I knew it was not in my head after all I was in so much physical pain. I didn't consider that I had created it by accepting and allowing myself to participate in back-chat so much so that I became possessed and verbalized my back-chat about another human being to others
I again still did not want to see what I had done.
On the third day of being sick I decided that day I would go to the doctor because there was no end in sight to my symptoms. I started to see what I did and how I had manifested this illness over time through accepting and allowing back-chat for accepting and allowing myself to gossip about another for accepting and allowing myself to disrespect myself and another as self, I made a mistake a huge mistake. How did I let this happen I knew better?
The illness was supportive for me in slowing me down so much that I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I couldn't work, I couldn't do anything but face what I had allowed.
I did not allow myself to move and direct self breath bring myself back here and not allow myself to participate in back-chat
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip about those who were gossiping about another by saying to myself that it is not cool to gossip within this point I also gossiped
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what others told me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe what others told me and take on their ideas and opinions and make them my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back-chat for days about someone that I did not know in fact
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from those that I see as authority figures as if it is me against them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip about my assistant manager because I allowed him to represent the 'man' that is trying to hold me down
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled and to fear change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree tacitly with people while they gossip and then allow myself to also become the gossiper
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct the point sooner to not accept gossip from myself or others as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stubborn and deny that I had to take self responsibility for what I had allowed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as cool and in control by my peers so that they will respect me and not see me as inferior to my assistant manager
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will see me as inferior because I fear that I have allowed myself to become inferior
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I actually accepted myself as inferior the moment I allowed gossip and back-chat in my world and for reacting to what I hear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the system for the experience I had when someone in an authoritative roll told me I had to change
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see this as a point of self support to see where I was reacting to change in my world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change because I fear that I will lose my individuality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to individuality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react anytime someone tells me what to do
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself so that I must take self-responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to others so that I can later use that as a back-door for blame
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite self so much so that I would harm my human physical body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my directive control over to the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wallow in ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm another as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disrespect myself as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak words that are not in the best interest of all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the pattern of inferiority and superiority
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself to exist as the pattern of inferiority and superiority
I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest inferiority and superiority in this world through accepting and allowing myself to participate in energy fluctuations of the mind consciousness system
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to polarity
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to care for myself and to care for others as myself equal and one by living words and standing equal to words with definitions that are within the consideration of what is best for all and speaking what is best for all through actually becoming the living word
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be patient with myself and realizing that this will take time just as it has taken me time to create this mess over time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that being stubborn is equal to being patient
Stubborn -- not facing myself/isolating myself/fearing what I have created
b : suggestive or typical of a strong stubborn nature <astubborn jaw>
: performed or carried on in an unyielding, obstinate, or persistent manner <stubborn effort>
: difficult to handle, manage, or treat <a stubborn cold>
Stubborn -- Not accepting or allowing anything less than who I am as life I walk my process step by step breath by breath until it is done no matter what relentlessly
Patient -- Being gentle with myself here applying myself here, directing myself here, moving myself here, correcting myself here / allowing myself to make mistakes without attaching self-judgement within the realization that self-trust is my guide because I embrace myself equal to and one with and as self trust
I no longer accept or allow myself to accept myself as less than life
I no longer accept or allow myself to accept myself as less than polarity
I no longer accept or allow myself to participate in gossip/back-chat
I realize that this is a process and that I will face this point again in this physical reality and when this point arises I will slow myself down make sure that I am here present and take in a deep Breath and speak words that are supportive for all life equally and stop my participation and speak out loud that gossip is unacceptable and I will not participate within the conversation. I will also flag point points of back-chat that may arise and immediately delete the thought and if the thought continues I will speak self forgiveness and correct myself in the moment.