Day 6: Heaviness Part 1

"If the person live it up and end in a position that requires weightloss-- a situation develops that is motivated by guilt and also the fear what others may think --the body is punished through ways to force it back into shape and the person never even do self forgiveness with all the cells or ask forgiveness for the torture and torment it allowed the body to go through" ~ Bernard Poolman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to over eat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consume food excessively without considering my human physical body and what my body actually requires for nourishment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with food, eating, cooking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted and obsessed with eating

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I was using food to replace the energy I was getting from sex and because I was no longer having sex I changed from desire to have sex to desire to have food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use eating as a form of stimulation as a way to isolate myself and hide from what I must face as what I have accepted and allowed through separation and self-abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as a way to keep me busy and occupied so that I wouldn't have to think about the reason why the sexual relationship with my partner was dysfunctional and a failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for becoming fat because I all along I was aware that I had been abusing my body with the over consumption of food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat like a glutton with no regard for how my body responded to particular foods

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to listen to my body and to see and physically feel how my body responds to food and eat according to what best support my body but rather choose to eat out of emotional reactions, thoughts, feelings and eat from the hunger of the mind rather than physical hunger here equal to all parts as me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be fat and undesirable because I hated myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because I was so ashamed of who I had become and what I allowed myself to be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use being fat as a way to get people to stay far away from me - when in fact I was so embarrassed about myself that I did not want to be seen by old friends, family members or in vlogs and pictures so I actually isolated myself and projected that onto others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use creating fat on my body as a way to isolate myself from others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame and judge my body for the way it looked

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people would think about me being fat and fear that they would judge me because I judged myself and other people that were fat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become programmed with mass media such as pictures, magazines, television, internet ads ect. and accept that over consumption is acceptable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame skinny people of being anorexic or sick looking because I was jealous of them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for overeating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly think about food and become obsessed with it especially when I was eating it fearing it would cause me to become fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat sugary foods to get a rush from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly have judgments about food being good or bad

I forgive myself for not allowing or accepting myself to stand equal with and as food as myself as self nourishing self here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing about my weight and for looking for other ways to get around my weight gain for example (dieting) rather then realizing how I allowed myself to gain weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ultimate consumer consuming food so extensively that I stored fat in my body to show myself what I was allowing and accepting as a consumer that had no regard for anyone or myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an extremist and fully indulge in points that I know are harmful to me in order to get energy from self-abuse and self-harm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like to abuse and harm myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself and pity myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like to stay in shame and regret as an excuse for not correcting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others by saying that I didn't care about being fat and that I feel good in my body when I did not at all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish my body because I was not willing to face myself and my failed relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be extremely self conscious about my body and not want to do anything but stay home so no one would see what a mess I had become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say that the reason why my ex-boyfriend didn't want to have sex with me was because I was fat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fat to punish him for not having sex with me and so that I could us that as an excuse to blame him for our failed relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist looking at weight and my obsession with food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move from being obsessed with sex to being obsessed with food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to over eat and indulge and eat more than what is supportive of my human physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for blaming my body for storing fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish, torture and torment my body and all of the cell's in my body because of my ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my mind king and give my power away to the mind and totally disrespecting my human physical body while I was in my head out there somewhere not here as breathe within and as my body standing here as self support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for being fat and for being embarrassed of her for being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fat and actually always see myself as fat even when I did not have a lot of fat stored in my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous that my sister lost weight  because I felt like she was superior to me once again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through the use of drugs where I would go long periods of time without food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use diet pills to lose weight without considering the physical consequence within doing such a thing and not considering how harmful and abusive this is for my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with diets and dieting and become extremely diligent to stick to a diet to the T in order to achieve the body image I desired such as ones I saw in magazines or pictures of myself as a young person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torture my body extensively because I have allowed myself to give my power away to the mind through participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions all the while disregarding my human physical body that which gives me a way to breathe and be here on earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself so much so that I didn't care if I lived or died really but at the same time be to shit scared to die because I realized there was a consequence for my reckless behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a poor example to the younger people in my life because I did not respect myself or anyone else -- I did not respect life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect life and living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that a mind consciousness system has respect for anything and being that all I existed as was the mind as thoughts feelings and emotions I was actually admitting to myself and everyone else that I accepted myself as less than life and undeserving of life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to diminish my human physical body because I have allowed and accepted thoughts, feelings and emotions to direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret and be shameful of myself and for allowing myself to exist this way for years without taking self responsibility and applying self forgiveness and correcting myself to never allow myself to exist as limitation, regret, shame and inferiority

This is a quite a point for me and now I can see why I had such a strong resistance to opening up this point about weight and I see that there are many dimensions to it, I will continue with my self-forgiveness statements in my next blog. Thanks for reading.

Day 5: My first Boyfriend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resistance when looking at points regarding relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a relationship because I felt sorry for the other person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I was superior to my first boyfriend because he was younger and shorter than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a relationship with my first boyfriend because I wanted to feel special and wanted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a relationship with my first boyfriend because "he made me feel good about myself"

I forgive myself that I did not allow or accept myself to see that I was in separation with myself through seeking justification and approval from another being before I would accept myself

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to be addicted to the energy of flattery

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a relationship where I placed myself as superior so that I could have things go my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another being so that I could satisfy my ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into relationships because I was flattered with words spoken to me and then I felt good about myself, appreciated, respected, noticed and desired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek being noticed, appreciated, respected and desired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for justification of myself and who I am within a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a relationship based on the energy I got from my ego being rubbed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing self-forgiveness on relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing what I have accepted and allowed within relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter into relationships so that I would have someone to keep me company

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into relationship to acquire energy through sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek relationships for stimulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body and the body of another for energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in a relationship for sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek comfort and security within relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue a pattern of going into one relationship after another without even properly ending the other so that I never had to be alone and intimate with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end relationships because when things got to complicated or when points required for me to open up about myself I ran in the other direction so that the person I was in relationship with would never see who I really was or what I was allowing myself to participate in and see that I was just using them for my own benefit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use men and only date so that I could in some way benefit either through receiving compliments, money, gifts or sex

I forgive that I have only ever used men in relationships and never actually saw them or considered standing equal with them as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself fully with another human being because I have not actually allowed myself to be intimate with me and accepted me and my past

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in, in the past and to feel ashamed for what I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being intimate with beings because I fear being intimate with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as an excuse for why I was unwilling to open up

I forgive myself that I have not accepted to take responsibility through writing and speaking self forgiveness about my past because I can use this as an excuse to not face myself and not face myself with another in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break up with my first boyfriend because we go along so well and we never fought because he always agreed with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame him of being cowardly because he never disagreed with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in both polarities of wanting to be right and also wanting to be wrong so that I could get energy from him through causing conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if he was not able to stand against me he would not be able to stand up for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that a women is fragile and must have someone to protect her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others so much so that I looked for protection from men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in relationship systems of abuse in this world through accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, and perceive that there is always a winner and a loser in relationships and in this support physical and verbal abuse to manifest

I will no longer allow myself to participate in games of winning and losing
I commit myself to close any back-doors to seek refuge within my mind as back-chat, blame and separation

I commit myself to writing and allowing myself to be intimate with myself in seeing what I have accepted and allowed and to forgive myself and let go of the patterns I have created and participated in once and for all

I commit myself to clearly and self-honestly communicate with my partner especially when I have resistance come forth or experience uncomfortably and rather than accept and give into resistance I go to it -- resistance is here to assist and support me to see where I still have not allowed myself to forgive myself, within this I gift myself with self-forgiveness and self-intimacy through self investigation, writing, self corrective statements and walking the correction to be an example of how to walk within and as agreement that is best for all life equally

Day 4: Loud Noise

Loud Noise

Almost daily I have a reaction to the sound of loud noises and I immediately go into a state of fear and anxiety when I hear the sound of loud television, particular music, or the sound of someones speaking voice. I become extremely uncomfortable and get stressed and just want to turn off the T.V./Internet Show, music station or get away from the person speaking with a loud voice. I now realise that I have allowed and accepted myself to react in this way to loud noise since I was a child. I am not sure where it began actually but let me get on with my self-forgiveness and see what opens up and is revealed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety when hearing a loud sound

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be moved by sounds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define people who speak very loudly as rude or arrogant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear and anxiety when hearing the sound of television or internet shows

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my partner for playing loud shows on his computer 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that it is rude when he plays loud shows and doesn't consider that it is bothering me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that because I have allowed myself to react to loud noise that it also effects others in the same way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into anger when my partner plays certain music I see as too loud or internet shows that I see as too loud

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my fear and anger onto another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I am angry at myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to noise

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define noise that bothers me as racket

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my safety if I suddenly hear a loud booming sound

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the sound of thunder

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that people are yelling at me if they speak over a certain tone or loudness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotional when people speak to me in a certain tone or loudness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disrespected when someone speaks to me in a certain tone or loudness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach respect/disrespect according to sound

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and believe that the feeling of disrespect is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people that speak loud are arrogant because they want to project how strong and tough they are because of ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give a positive and negative value to particulars tones, pitch and frequency 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define loud sounds that I am not comfortable with such as particular tv or internets shows, certain types of music like some rock songs, or the sound of a loud voice as negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define soft sounds as comforting such as certain music, soft voices, melodic sounds or people with certain accents as positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself from sound 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sound 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others depending on how they sound

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge music depending on how it sounds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge television/internet shows depending on how they sound

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I am projecting my own fear onto sound

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into reaction when I hear one or more of these sounds

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain here when I hear particular sounds, tones, frequencies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have back-chat that this is a stupid topic and weird to write about 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress fear 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by fear that I have created through my accepted and allowed belief, idea, perceptions and judgments to and towards sound

I no longer accepted myself to go into fear and anxiety when hearing certain particular tones

I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to program myself to fear certain sounds 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the mind as thoughts feelings and emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to sound and give into fear and anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that I must react to particular sounds, tones, frequencies

When I hear a loud sound such as voices, music, cars, engines, tools, hammers, thunder, bangs, slamming doors, television shows or internet shows I will simply breathe and embrace the sound as one and equal with me

If a moment occurs and I do go into a reaction I simply breathe bring myself here forgive myself in the moment and correct myself through not allowing myself to be moved by fear and anxiety and will not allow myself to accept myself as fear and anxiety

Day 3: Change

I have a pattern of becoming very upset when there is a sudden change in my schedule or when there is some surprise that causes me to have to have to change my plans.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry that I can not control every minute of my day

I forgive myself for being angry with myself for not scheduling time for mishaps or changes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist change no matter what type of change it is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become very uncomfortable and irritated when change is the only outcome

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be frustrated and blame others for the reaction of anger I accept every time a wrench gets thrown into my schedule

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always calculate time and become very upset when the time I allotted for something is not able to be fulfilled because an outside force came and destroyed my "perfect plan"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of balance if I can not stick to a specific automated schedule

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to a schedule

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disorganized and have thoughts of future projects of 'now that this one thing changed everything else will fuck up too'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a fucked up day because of all the back-chat I have allowed and then use the fucked up day as an excuse to act like a jerk and the reason for more blame to ensue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define change as a fuck up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the anger I have toward myself for not being here as breathe onto others and the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that if someone is able to change my plans that they have control and power over and of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to time than to people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to throw a tantrum when my schedule is changed and become spiteful and stop speaking and participate within back-chat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of reasons why its someone's fault I am going to have a bad day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so limited selfish and close minded that I think that when something changes in my world that it is a huge deal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a huge deal out of my schedule changing

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that people without homes, toilets, food, clean drinking water and or an education have limited access to any type of routine and are at the mercy of the system and other human beings everyday, every hour and in some cases every moment is completely at the mercy of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to routine because I have allowed myself to become a good robot where my life has become simply a commodity and if I do not stick to a routine I can not survive in the current money system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unable to survive in the system because I see how cruel, ruthless and relentless it is because I have allowed it and accepted it to be so tacitly and directly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the system and be angry at the system because I have to work so much all the time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the system for limiting my participation with other Destonians and the points that I require walking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought that this world is so fucked up we are so trapped and fucked someone must be to blame and become angry at myself because I am here I am to blame this happened because I have allowed it for eons of time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry, frustrated and irritated because I see that my life had become a vicious cycle of never ending routine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become desperate for 'free time'

When things change in my world and my reality and I have a reaction I realise this is only because I was not here I was out there somewhere trapped in some future projection in my mind stuck within an idea of control and freedom

When things change in my world and my reality I breathe embrace the change as myself within the realization that I do not have to exist as fear of change and in this I also allow myself to simply embrace myself as change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to routine greater then the value of change and in this trap myself within polarity

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here in every moment

Day 2: Gossip Bitch

About 3 weeks ago or so a man got hired at my work and he was hired as a manager. We were told he would be starting in a weeks time. I didn't pay much attention to it because I work very hard and I couldn't see this person making me work any harder or make my job any more difficult then it already was. But one of my co-workers did and continued to talk about this gentleman everyday over and over again and I thought to myself that it was silly to engage with this person and gossip, besides I didn't know the man and I did not see how this person would effect my job. As the days went on more and more of my co-workers were saying how horrible this person is and that he is lazy and that he won't help us work ect. They had all previously worked with him so they were just speaking according to their memories I suppose. They said he was talking about change and how he was going to change everything.

By the time I met our new assistant manager I had conjured up many ideas and beliefs about him based on what my co-workers had told me the past week. I did not think that I was doing this but it was exactly what I did, whenever we met and he spoke to me spoke to me about anything my back-chat when haywire and  I filtered what I would heard him say to me through all the gossip I had been hearing. 

I thought oh no here we go... This guy thinks he can come in and change everything. Boy! What a slap in the face!  After all the hard work we have been doing. This guy doesn't know shit from Shinola. He thinks he can come in here and tell us what a horrible job we've all been doing when he hasn't even seen how everything works and how much hard work we put in day in and day out.  Now I know exactly what everyone had been talking about! The nerve of some people! Sheesh. What is this guy some kind of dictator or something?

So I tacitly allowed myself to participate in gossip and also directly participated in gossip in my mind and even though I thought that because I hadn't said anything out loud to anyone that I was clear. Yeah right! Who was I fooling? 

One day about a week later I was at work at the end of my shift I was approaching my 15th hour of work, I was well fed up with work and I was tired as hell. My co-workers and I were in our storeroom putting equipment away and someone brought up his name again and started talking smack (The same story) So and so is lazy as hell, he doesn't do anything, he's must be crazy to think he can come here and change things, he doesn't even know what he's doing and then the other guy chimmed in and added his two cents about how every time he does something this assistant manager goes behind him and tells him to change it all then he changes it to his liking and then at the last minute decides to change it back to how it was originally. This guy must be on a power trip no one wants to do double work, we are busy enough. So I felt my body become charged with energy I went off the deep end and started talking all this nasty shit about this person behind his back about how lazy he is and agreeing to what everyone had said, I said he needs to help us instead of tell us what to do and that he doesn't have enough background about anything and wants to change things that are working fine! WTF! 

When I began to speak I felt this energy become more and more pronounced in my body and I stopped for a moment and thought this is not cool I am gossiping this is dishonest but I could not stop I just went on and on and actually did physical movements to mimic what this man did and mimic how he made a mess of the storeroom and expected me to clean it up. I mocked him and boasted about how I told him he has to help us and shared how I wasn't going to accept it.

On my drive home from work I considered what I said and I knew it was dishonest but I still held onto this idea of grandeur that I had of myself. Deep down I realized it was not acceptable what I had just done and what I had said. I let it go and refused to consider that I should speak self-forgiveness. Although I did note the energetic charge I felt in my body when I spoke about him it was a clear indication that I was not speaking in the best interest of all and was a flag point that I must stop speaking immediately. But I did not stop myself, I was on a roll at the time. I held a grudge and allowed myself to be spiteful.

The very next day we had a chat on the Desteni Forum and Bernard said "that the throat point will be a problem for many people, many times in years to come." I asked him how come? He replied "The human speak words that is not best for all life." In that one sentence I knew what he meant and I felt guilty for what I had done and then I had a reaction of fear, I thought to myself oh fuck what have I done now I will most likely end up with a terrible throat ache because I  did just that yesterday, I hate those. 

I applied Self Forgiveness but from the starting point of fear, the fear that I would become ill. I have been in process long enough to see how quickly consequence become manifested. 

The next day I was laying in bed petting one of that cats that lives here and my throat started to burn and it felt like I had razors cutting the inner lining of my throat. I thought to myself oh, it must be the cat maybe I got some of her hair in my throat. 

I still didn't want to see what I had done. 

The next day I became very ill and I could not speak because my throat burned of pain. I spoke very little that day one of my co-worked started to talk trash about my new assistant manager. I said stop I do not want to gossip about him. I bet you that is how come I am feeling bad. lets stop talking about him and so the conversation about him ended. 

I called out to work the next day. I rarely call in sick, this the first time in a long time and I have only called in about four to five times in over six years. I felt like total shit from my head to my toe with the most prominent pain being in my throat. I lay in bed for nearly 48 hours straight and had trouble lifting my limbs. I was weak I felt like someone who was over a century old. My head pounded. I was feverish. My nose would not stop running, I went to so much t-ISSUE I coughed and coughed this terrible looking green sticky mucous up about every minute. In just a little over one day I went to feeling fine to feeling like I was on my death bed. Well okay, death bed is a bit of an exaggeration but I felt like I was hit by a truck - I hurt let me put it that way. 

We had another chat I can't recall if it was the same day or the next but I was talking about how sick I was and I blamed my illness on that fact that I could be detoxing from the oxygen therapy I was doing. I also thought maybe I got sick from a co-worker who was sick about a month back. I blamed it on the fact that I just cleaned black mold I found on my window seal. Someone in the chat said Deedra this isn't personal but it could be all in your head. I knew it was not in my head after all I was in so much physical pain. I didn't consider that I had created it by accepting and allowing myself to participate in back-chat so much so that I became possessed and verbalized my back-chat about another human being to others

I again still did not want to see what I had done. 

On the third day of being sick I decided that day I would go to the doctor because there was no end in sight to my symptoms. I started to see what I did and how I had manifested this illness over time through accepting and allowing back-chat for accepting and allowing myself to gossip about another for accepting and allowing myself to disrespect myself and another as self, I made a mistake a huge mistake. How did  I let this happen I knew better? 

The illness was supportive for me in slowing me down so much that I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I couldn't work, I couldn't do anything but face what I had allowed.

I did not allow myself to move and direct self breath bring myself back here and not allow myself to participate in back-chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip about those who were gossiping about another by saying to myself that it is not cool to gossip within this point I also gossiped

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what others told me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe what others told me and take on their ideas and opinions and make them my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back-chat for days about someone that I did not know in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from those that I see as authority figures as if it is me against them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip about my assistant manager because I allowed him to represent the 'man' that is trying to hold me down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled and to fear change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree tacitly with people while they gossip and then allow myself to also become the gossiper

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct the point sooner to not accept gossip from myself or others as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stubborn and deny that I had to take self responsibility for what I had allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as cool and in control by my peers so that they will respect me and not see me as inferior to my assistant manager

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will see me as inferior because I fear that I have allowed myself to become inferior 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I actually accepted myself as inferior the moment I allowed gossip and back-chat in my world and for reacting to what I hear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the system for the experience I had when someone in an authoritative roll told me I had to change 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see this as a point of self support to see where I was reacting to change in my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change because I fear that I will lose my individuality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to individuality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react anytime someone tells me what to do

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself so that I must take self-responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to others so that I can later use that as a back-door for blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite self so much so that I would harm my human physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my directive control over to the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wallow in ego 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm another as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disrespect myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak words that are not in the best interest of all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the pattern of inferiority and superiority 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself to exist as the pattern of inferiority and superiority

I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest inferiority and superiority in this world through accepting and allowing myself to participate in energy fluctuations of the mind consciousness system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to polarity

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to care for myself and to care for others as myself equal and one by living words and standing equal to words with definitions that are within the consideration of what is best for all and speaking what is best for all through actually becoming the living word

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be patient with myself and realizing that this will take time just as it has taken me time to create this mess over time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that being stubborn is equal to being patient 

Stubborn -- not facing myself/isolating myself/fearing what I have created

Stubborn:

 (1) : unreasonably or perversely unyielding : mulish (2) :justifiably unyielding : resolute

b : suggestive or typical of a strong stubborn nature <astubborn jaw>

2

: performed or carried on in an unyielding, obstinate, or persistent manner <stubborn effort>

3

: difficult to handle, manage, or treat <a stubborn cold>

Stubborn -- Not accepting or allowing anything less than who I am as life I walk my process step by step breath by breath until it is done no matter what relentlessly 

Patient -- Being gentle with myself here applying myself here, directing myself here, moving myself here,  correcting myself here / allowing myself to make mistakes without attaching self-judgement within the realization that self-trust is my guide because I embrace myself equal to and one with and as self trust

I no longer accept or allow myself to accept myself as less than life 

I no longer accept or allow myself to accept myself as less than polarity

I no longer accept or allow myself to participate in gossip/back-chat

I realize that this is a process and that I will face this point again in this physical reality and when this point arises I will slow myself down make sure that I am here present and take in a deep Breath and speak words that are supportive for all life equally and stop my participation and speak out loud that gossip is unacceptable and I will not participate within the conversation. I will also flag point points of back-chat that may arise and immediately delete the thought and if the thought continues I will speak self forgiveness and correct myself in the moment.

Day 1 Self-Forgiveness

It took me 2 days to get my blog together to 'Look' the way I wanted it to and within this I see that I was stalling so that I did not have to make the commitment to myself to no longer accept and allow limitation within and as me.  I also realise that I have used this point as an excuse as a back-door and justification so that I would not have to get on with physically writing self-forgiveness and correcting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone writing in my blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for myself as to why it was impossible for me to write my blog on day 1 with the group

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my expression and judge myself as a failure before I even start

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-commitment 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into thoughts feelings and emotions and allow myself to accept the automated system robot reaction that is the resistance to change 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the mind through accepting that I am less than resistance and that I am unable to move because the resistance is so strong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately look for an excuse for not being able to apply and commit to myself daily through writhing self forgiveness, self corrective statements and correcting myself effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that I work too much to write daily

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to the idea that I am limited 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to survival than to supporting self so that I may become a pillar that stand here stable as support for all those that are unable to hear the message or unable to speak because their voices are not heard

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to ego through allowing myself to exist in separation from what is here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself the choice to fuck around and not apply myself effectively 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my writing expression to the writing expression of others and deem mine as inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a reaction to the name I chose for my blog because I allowed the feeling of not being effective enough at writing to hold such a title "writing" My Journey to Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an idea of myself as inferior through participating in thoughts primarily thoughts of limitation and fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in fear of the horror that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me and without as this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility so that I will not have to face every single point I have created in self dishonesty and separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see process as to big for me to keep up with because I am not as intelligent as others that are participating in process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the idea that I am stupid and that I am a failure and that I am currently living the consequence of fucking around in school and not being  responsible 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist and limit myself to and as a memory

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this point as a back up excuse to exit the back door I have left wide open for myself to escape out of to escape from the consequence I have created for myself so that I will not have to take self responsibility because after all no body else is doing it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the status quo of: live for today, do what you want, have fun, live fast, life is an experience take joy in it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself so much so that I have accepted myself as less than life

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to diminish to the point where I do not even want to stand up for myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that its too late and too hard and too much and just too everything so that in my mind I can justify why I am not able to do it when in fact I am here, I have a human physical body, I have the tools

I am able to walk this process of taking self responsibility moment by moment breath by breath within and as simplicity here I will myself to do this I do not allow myself to fall into a self made trap of disillusionment.

I no longer accept or allow the excuse that walking and writing is overwhelming and if a thought comes up I stop, I breath, and correct myself in the moment to not participate in the mind or give attention to the mind of back-chat that only I can create I take responsibility for myself and for my the back-chat I have created and I  forgive myself for the thought delete the thought and breath in self forgiveness and breath out self honesty

 Here I remain