Day 44: More Bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear getting parasites in my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a tick stick onto my body and dig its feet into my body and suck my blood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug will fly or walk into my mouth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge moths as ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stung by a bee or a wasp

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into fear that a bee or wasp will sting me because they will be able to sense that I fear them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge flies as filthy dirty disgusting insects that will get filth on me if it lands on me eg. faeces

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving food out because a bug or fly might get into it and I might eat it and it might end up in my stomach and cause me to become sick or get a parasite that will cause me to get extremely ill and possibly die

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get a parasite or give a parasite to someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsessively fear getting or having a parasite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get a parasite in my heart

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get a parasite in my brain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get or have a parasite in my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to pictures of parasites and start imagining all of them in my body and then worry that somehow I might get one if I'm not careful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs with long skinny tentacles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs with many legs and long skinny legs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bed bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear cockroaches

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scorpions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear centipedes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear millipedes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear locusts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear swarms

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear black widows

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear hairy spiders

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs that walk on water

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and hate mosquitoes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear child of the earth insects

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear microscopic bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear mites

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ticks

to be continued...

Day 43: It's all as me here

Did you ever have a look at yourself self-honestly and go wow I'm a real jerk? I'm one of those people I gossip about, I'm one of those people that gossips, I'm one of those people I despise, I'm one of those egotistical freaks, I'm one of those addicts, I'm one of those people I loathe, I'm one of those selfish people I resent, I'm one of those people who lies to themselves and everyone else, I'm one of those people who is weak, I'm one of those people who is afraid and scared, I'm one of those people who is greedy, I'm one of those people who likes to win and thus accepts losers, I'm one of those liars, I'm one of those people who consumes, I'm one of those people who likes division, I'm one of those racists, I'm one of those prejudice people, I'm one of those people who feels sorry for themselves, I'm one of those people who is fake, I'm one of those people who cheats, I'm one of those people who uses, I'm one of those people who abuses, I'm one of those people who judges, I'm one of those people who steals, I'm one of those people who doesn't know themselves, I'm one of those people obsessed with body image, I'm one of those losers, I'm one of those people who hates, I'm all these characters I claim to hate yet I deny it by blaming others of it.

Self-honesty is not fun or pretty it can be quite fucked up to realize everything I have accepted and allowed and even more fucked up to realize that I have fucked myself so much that it has become hard to face, see, realize understand and take self-responsiblity for myself. Who knew self-honesty would be difficult? Who knew I actually created myself in such a way that I would find it hard to consider others and look at myself and correct myself and stop participating in my creation.

Before I found Desteni and started walking my process writing and applying self-forgiveness I thought somehow in this world I had a purpose in life and I thought once I found that purpose I would be fulfilled and satisfied. The purpose I wanted was only to please my ego and self-interest, I never really gave a true fuck about anyone else or anything else just simply cared about how I would look to others for my accomplishments and about the fuzzy feeling I would have. I have the opportunity to do something and give myself a purpose I realize it is difficult because I have allowed myself to be programmed. The purpose I was looking for was actually just a means to acquire energy like a vampire sucking blood from its victim.

I still haven't cried properly, I'm not sure what I'm holding onto and not sure why but writing has been supportive.

Day 42: I'm Buggin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scream in horror when I see a bug or if one flies near me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug touching my skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug buzzing near my ear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug crawling into my mouth at night

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be captivated by some insects and repulsed by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stung or bitten by a bug

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define bugs as dirty and gross

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs crawling on my skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to especially fear bugs with very hard outer shells and fly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only fear bugs that are not visually pretty according to what I think is pretty or interesting for instance a butterfly, lady bug, praying mantis, walking stick, rollie pollie, spiders or a caterpillar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spider webs and be completely disgusted when I touch one or walk into one by accident

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the feeling of spider web on my hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and feel grossed out when I see other people touch old spider webs with their bear hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of bug legs and little feet on my skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if a bug is too close for too long it might get me sick somehow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be grossed out by those big green fat bugs because I'm afraid that I might accidentally squash it and then its guts will gush everywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs because I can not communicate with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that because certain insects are so small they might sting me before I even know it so I run so they won't get close

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs because I can not control them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that an insect might attach to me so much that I can not get it off of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting a disease from an insect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs because I don't fully understand them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be prejudice against insects

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear insects

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug sucking my blood and passing another persons blood into my blood stream

To be continued...

Day 41: Cleanliness is next to godliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to clean out as a reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the cleaning character from my mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recreate a program through accepting and allowing myself to exist as a cleaning character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back-chat about my mothers reactions to the condition of my home and wish she never came over for a visit in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mothers reaction before her visit during her visit and judge myself after she left

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what my mother might say to me about how my house looks and then start cleaning from the reaction of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to clean from the starting point of pleasing what I perceived my mothers idea of an acceptable clean home would look and smell like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as dirty and as a slob

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will think less of me if my house is not clean and orderly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as disorganized, dirty and a slob

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to clean from the polarity reaction of dirty is bad and clean is good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself if my house isn't clean and feel good about myself if my house is clean

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and listen to the words in my head "cleanliness is next to godliness" while I'm cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that cleanliness is next to godliness and not actually consider what this saying means, if it is in fact common sense or fuzzy logic

Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to clear my starting pointf rather then just blindly living words that I heard someone speak based on my idea of what it meant based on my beliefs, ideas and opinions

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the atrocious conditions billions of people must suffer and accept as their standard living condition because of an unequal money system

I forgive myself thgat I have accepted and allowed myself to make such a huge deal out of cleaning while not considering others and how allowing and accepting back-chat is actually creating unhealthy living conditions for many beings in this world, humans, animals etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted or allowed myself to make cleaning into a positive and negatively charged event rather then simply seeing the common sense points to consider regarding cleanliness such as hygiene for example

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if someone makes a "mess" that they are somehow being disrespectful toward me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take messes personally whether they are my own or if others have made them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a huge deal of cleaning

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question the saying that cleanliness is next to godliness because if that were the case then how come god would allow such disgusting living conditions for so many beings so much so that even drinking water unclean and unsafe to drink

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame god for people living in disgusting living conditions and not realize that I am co-creating and equally participating in this world therefore I am equally responsible for cleaning it up and stopping the atrocities by prevention rather than getting to a point where so many people have to suffer at the hands of the elite because our monetary system is based on winners and losers
 
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that people have to sift through trash to find food because I have allowed and accepted a world that is unequal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied within my own little bubble so much so that I have not considered all the consequences of allowing myself to exist as this cleaning character that only cares about my ego and wanting others to see me as clean and well put together

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize or understand that no one should ever have to live in an unclean unsafe environment

I commit myself to being a custodian to clear myself and clean up this world as myself so that no matter who or where anyone is at any given moment anyone can swap places with anyone and be satisfied because all are equal, respected and able live a life of dignity

I commit myself to practicing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-correction so that one day I may stand equal to and one with self-trust within and as self-honesty within and as breath within and as moment here within and as self-expression

I commit myself to clean up the mess I have made I start here through writing to see where I am still self-dishonest forgiving myself within and as self-honesty and walk the necessary self-correction

Day 40: Nothing to say

Well today I'm not feeling so good, I have been tired all day and there is a heaviness throughout my body. I don't have much to write about I did want to talk about cleaning again so that I can complete my last post but right now it doesn't seem so relevant. I had to force myself to blog today, I just feel sad and listless. I know I've been suppressing myself and this is probably just a build up of that but for some reason I don't want to express myself today. I feel shit and that's about it. I have committed to writing everyday even if it seems that it's non-constructive, I'm not even sure if that is a word. Anyway I still write here to support me, mostly I have this huge blockage in my throat and chest and I want to cry but I feel that maybe it's not important to cry and it would be a huge waste. Maybe crying will release this bent, twisted knot in my solar plexus I'm not sure, maybe I will cry, I don't want anyone to see me because I'm not sure why I feel like crying and I don't have a decent explanation. I don't really understand myself at the moment. I've had trouble remaining here all day nothing seems to make sense, I may be feeling sorry for myself so I will stop here.

Day 39: Cinderella

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself by watching Disney movies growing up as a child and immediately place myself in the female role and believe that I entirely related to certain female characters

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like Cinderella when cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of that part of the movie where Cinderella is cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself when I clean

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry when I clean and take out my anger on cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the energy of anger to move myself to clean

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make cleaning more than myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that if the house is clean I can relax and if it is dirty I must be uncomfortable and I must judge myself the whole time until I get up and start cleaning based on anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the cleanliness of my house to other homes and be upset because I think that it would be impossible to be that clean without cleaning for hours on end everyday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dissatisfied with how clean my home is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming sick if the house is dirty

to be continued...

Day 38: What part of housework doesn't he understand?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with men and wish that they could just understand what needs to be done in terms of housework and do it without being asked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it is my responsibility to tell a man what he should do in terms of housework otherwise it won't get done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that men thought like women when it comes to household responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish men thought

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge all men as having an inability to be practical in terms of housework

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as a victim

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by telling my agreement partner that I don't want to be his mother and treat him as a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react because I fear becoming my mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nag at my agreement partner and not see realize or understand that is not practical nor an effective way to support him or myself in terms of self-responsibility and practical physical living

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become bossy and feel authorized to be bossy because I feel I do more in terms of housework

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define household responsibilities as work and not see realize or understand that moving in the physical is not difficult and actually very supportive in terms of remaining here present

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things done in a specified way and feel frustrated when it is not done in the way I have defined as acceptable and the right way

thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to micro-manage or just simply take over the household task they are working on because I do not trust they will do it to my standard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the way I do things as the right way and the way he does things the wrong way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the household work done by my agreement partner as half-assed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy this character mimicking my mother and her mother and thus not breaking the cycle of the stereotypical female role women have accepted for eons of time -- bickerer, egotism, victimization, inferiority, self-pity, judgement, anger, back-chat, frustration, blame, righteousness, gossip, manipulator, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to praise my agreement partner when he cleans the house and back-chat that no one ever gives a shit if I clean why do we always make such a big damn deal about him?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back-chat that if  man would clean the house like he cleans his vehicle everything would be fine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry that my agreement partner won't get up and clean as soon as he see's me cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my agreement partner of lacking common sense in terms of when things need to be cleaned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to redo "chores" that my agreement partner did because I was dissatisfied with the way it was done in the first place

to be continued....

Day 37: Damsel in Distress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and percieve that if I have a man in my life he must take care of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need a man to take care of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that without a man in my life I would be unable to remain stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a man to do all the things I think a man should do according to sterotypes of a man yet at the same time be unwilling to trap myself in sterotypical feminine roles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe when a man acts like a sterotypical male character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking this point of male and female roles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself resist change because this would require for me to trust myself and take responsibility for myself and my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame men for the condition of this world

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize or understand that I am equally responsible for the condition of this world and for the characters that we all currently participate within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit self expression through accepted and allowing myself to try and trap others in character roles just so that I don't have to face myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a damsel in distress character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what I saw in the media about how men and women should conduct themselves and to try and act out those roles so that I would be accepted in society and by a man

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question the absurdity of such roles

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize or understand that I am equally responsible for the separation these roles cause

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a man to save me

to be continued...