Monday, July 30, 2012

Day 16: Self-Judgement Deconstruction

Self-Judgement Character Continued...

I now see, realize and understand that the most effective way to support myself regarding self-judgement is to take on one point at a time and walk the points one by one to see how I created myself as the self-judgement character layer by layer, brick by brick.

The first memory I recall regarding self-judgement is when my dad came to my parent teacher conference, I was in the first grade, age six.

I stood at the end of the hallway and I looked up at the door opening of my classroom, I saw my dad walk out of the doorway and I quickly ran down the hallway toward him so that he could pick me up and I could give him a big hug and kiss. I was quite excited to see him and glad he came to my school.

When I got to him, he picked me up briefly and I felt happy and content in his arms but he put me down somewhat abruptly, he seemed unhappy and I wasn't sure why? I didn't understand? He's never done that before? He asked me "Why is your desk in the corner of the classroom?" I said "I don't know?" He said "Your teacher said you are talking too much, she told me you are a distraction to your fellow classmates."

I must have looked like a deer in the headlights at this point but he went on to say, "We will talk more about this when you get home from school today." And then he left.

I could not stop thinking about what he said and what my teacher said to him. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I hadn't given much attention to sitting in the corner, I kinda felt I deserved it. I did not like that I had to look back in my seat to engage with the other students and did not like having to look behind me to see what was going on.

I remember I started to worry and back-chat about what just happened and then the self-judgement came in, I wanted to cry and I think I did. I thought to myself that I was a bad girl and felt terrible for letting my dad down. I was so excited he came to my school but sad that he was obviously disappointed in me. The visit to my school was not a good experience for him and I so wanted it to be. I had no clue this would upset him, I did not understand that being in the corner was that big of a deal.

I don't remember my teacher being mean about putting me into the corner, I can't recall the event at all, it just seemed like I was always there. I knew the placement of my desk was in the corner of the room, I gave it no value other then realizing the placement of it. I didn't feel weird about it until my dad pointed it out. I felt embarrassed because he wasn't proud of my performance at school. I was always polite to my teachers and classmates and most times I thought of others before myself. I thought I was a good girl. What happened? What did I do? I was afraid to see my dad after school, I had no idea what he would say... I thought about it all day long and I judged myself extensively during this time. I thought to myself I must be dumb, stupid and I didn't realize my teacher didn't like me...

What happened when I got home was that my dad was somewhat surprised that it was of no real concern to me that my desk had been placed in the corner of the room. It was slightly concerning to me but I guess I must have supressed how it made me feel to be in the corner because even until just now I had not remembered feeling ashamed about it but when I slow down the event and bring it here, I do recall kind of hiding that my desk was in the corner and maybe trying to manipulate my father to distract him from being angry at me.

I think he was upset with me that I never told him or my mother that my desk was placed in the corner of the room. My mom and him talked about it in front of me and the word dunce is coming up, I think he said that to me, something about a dunce in the corner. I know he was not calling me a dunce but I think he was shocked that I found it acceptable to be in the corner like a dunce. I didn't know what a dunce was but from the tone of his voice I knew it was not a good thing.

I think he was angry at the teacher for placing me there and not talking to my parents about the problems I was having first. My mom shushed him at some point to avoid upsetting me. He was upset that no one told him I was in the corner of the room for so many months. I think they thought it would be detrimental to me in some way and I know they did not want that.

This is the first recollection I have of self-judgement

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