Monday, October 1, 2012
Day 17: I did not graduate high school
I didn't graduate high school and I never allowed myself to see realize or understand how come I didn't. I lied to everyone and pretended that I did. The only people that knew I didn't graduate where the people that were close to me during my high school years. I lied to every boyfriend I dated and every new person that came into my life. I also lied to all of my employers and claimed I was a high school graduate.
I started to believe my own lie and make graduating unimportant because as far as everybody knew I did graduate. This lie eventually messed me up because when I considered attending college, I realized that I would have to now admit to many people in my world that I lied to them and they would find out about it because they would notice that I had to get my diploma first.
I attended high school until the very last day of school my senior year. I failed by one credit. I always thought I would have gone back to summer school and sort everything out to acquire my high school diploma. I believed it would be simple. Instead I decided to go straight to work and I never managed to stop working because eventually I just needed to survive. 15 years later here I am without a diploma and ashamed that I gave up on myself.
Time flies when one is only lies.
I resisted getting a G.E.D. because I always believed that it was inferior to a high school diploma and believed that one day I would get my actual diploma, it isn't difficult to do but it does take more time to acquire and since time is valuable and because I have to deal with the consequences of not making a direct decision when this all occurred, I have no choice but to get a G.E.D. I will no longer allow myself to wait for the right time or perfect circumstances.
I live with many people who have been extremely supportive pillars for me. I didn't lie to them about my education status. I told them the truth so I didn't imprison myself in self-dishonesty and my starting point is clear.
Yesterday my roommate said she would support me with this point. I told her that my primary concern is that I didn't know what to study and she said well that is just an excuse and she is right it was. So she researched and found an assessment test I could take to find out where I am in terms of my abilities and get an idea of just how hard the test might be and also so that I can improve in the areas that need attention prior to taking the real test.
I told her I bet you I will fail it. She said yeah you will, if you think you will. I was kind of nervous before taking the test and I was concerned I would completely bomb the test and feel dumb and then just give up on myself all over again. But the heat was on so to speak and I took the 95 question test I got an 86%, this shocked the hell out of me because I always thought it would be much more difficult. I realize that the real test will be much longer, more like 250 questions and it can take up to 7.5 hours to complete but after my assessment test, I know I can do it.
I'm grateful for my roommate who supported me to walk these first steps and I'm glad that I no longer have the fear of taking the G.E.D. I will keep you posted on how I do and I will also write out some self-forgiveness in my next blog so that I can further support myself.