Monday, October 1, 2012

Day 17: I did not graduate high school

I didn't graduate high school and I never allowed myself to see realize or understand how come I didn't. I lied to everyone and pretended that I did. The only people that knew I didn't graduate where the people that were close to me during my high school years. I lied to every boyfriend I dated and every new person that came into my life. I also lied to all of my employers and claimed I was a high school graduate.

I started to believe my own lie and make graduating unimportant because as far as everybody knew I did graduate. This lie eventually messed me up because when I considered attending college, I realized that I would have to now admit to many people in my world that I lied to them and they would find out about it because they would notice that I had to get my diploma first.

I attended high school until the very last day of school my senior year. I failed by one credit. I always thought I would have gone back to summer school and sort everything out to acquire my high school diploma. I believed it would be simple. Instead I decided to go straight to work and I never managed to stop working because eventually I just needed to survive. 15 years later here I am without a diploma and ashamed that I gave up on myself.

Time flies when one is only lies.

I resisted getting a G.E.D. because I always believed that it was inferior to a high school diploma and believed that one day I would get my actual diploma, it isn't difficult to do but it does take more time to acquire and since time is valuable and because I have to deal with the consequences of not making a direct decision when this all occurred, I have no choice but to get a G.E.D. I will no longer allow myself to wait for the right time or perfect circumstances.

I live with many people who have been extremely supportive pillars for me. I didn't lie to them about my education status. I told them the truth so I didn't imprison myself in self-dishonesty and my starting point is clear.

Yesterday one of my housemates suggested to me that I investigate going to college again. The new semester is right around the corner and she said that if I put if off again, that would just be more time I wasted. I wanted to attend last semester but I allowed the excuse that I had to get my G.E.D. or high school diploma first and that it was too much trouble at the time. I also allowed and accepted a great amount of fear when thinking about doing either. I was afraid of taking the G.E.D. test, it is long and I wasn't confident I would be able to pass it and I also knew it would take too much time to go back to school to get my actual high school diploma.

Yesterday my roommate said she would support me with this point. I told her that my primary concern is that I didn't know what to study and she said well that is just an excuse and she is right it was. So she researched and found an assessment test I could take to find out where I am in terms of my abilities and get an idea of just how hard the test might be and also so that I can improve in the areas that need attention prior to taking the real test.

I told her I bet you I will fail it. She said yeah you will, if you think you will. I was kind of nervous before taking the test and I was concerned I would completely bomb the test and feel dumb and then just give up on myself all over again. But the heat was on so to speak and I took the 95 question test I got an  86%, this shocked the hell out of me because I always thought it would be much more difficult. I realize that the real test will be much longer, more like 250 questions and it can take up to 7.5 hours to complete but after my assessment test, I know I can do it.

I'm grateful for my roommate who supported me to walk these first steps and I'm glad that I no longer have the fear of taking the G.E.D. I will keep you posted on how I do and I will also write out some self-forgiveness in my next blog so that I can further support myself.

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