Day 16: Self-Judgement Deconstruction

Self-Judgement Character Continued...

I now see, realize and understand that the most effective way to support myself regarding self-judgement is to take on one point at a time and walk the points one by one to see how I created myself as the self-judgement character layer by layer, brick by brick.

The first memory I recall regarding self-judgement is when my dad came to my parent teacher conference, I was in the first grade, age six.

I stood at the end of the hallway and I looked up at the door opening of my classroom, I saw my dad walk out of the doorway and I quickly ran down the hallway toward him so that he could pick me up and I could give him a big hug and kiss. I was quite excited to see him and glad he came to my school.

When I got to him, he picked me up briefly and I felt happy and content in his arms but he put me down somewhat abruptly, he seemed unhappy and I wasn't sure why? I didn't understand? He's never done that before? He asked me "Why is your desk in the corner of the classroom?" I said "I don't know?" He said "Your teacher said you are talking too much, she told me you are a distraction to your fellow classmates."

I must have looked like a deer in the headlights at this point but he went on to say, "We will talk more about this when you get home from school today." And then he left.

I could not stop thinking about what he said and what my teacher said to him. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I hadn't given much attention to sitting in the corner, I kinda felt I deserved it. I did not like that I had to look back in my seat to engage with the other students and did not like having to look behind me to see what was going on.

I remember I started to worry and back-chat about what just happened and then the self-judgement came in, I wanted to cry and I think I did. I thought to myself that I was a bad girl and felt terrible for letting my dad down. I was so excited he came to my school but sad that he was obviously disappointed in me. The visit to my school was not a good experience for him and I so wanted it to be. I had no clue this would upset him, I did not understand that being in the corner was that big of a deal.

I don't remember my teacher being mean about putting me into the corner, I can't recall the event at all, it just seemed like I was always there. I knew the placement of my desk was in the corner of the room, I gave it no value other then realizing the placement of it. I didn't feel weird about it until my dad pointed it out. I felt embarrassed because he wasn't proud of my performance at school. I was always polite to my teachers and classmates and most times I thought of others before myself. I thought I was a good girl. What happened? What did I do? I was afraid to see my dad after school, I had no idea what he would say... I thought about it all day long and I judged myself extensively during this time. I thought to myself I must be dumb, stupid and I didn't realize my teacher didn't like me...

What happened when I got home was that my dad was somewhat surprised that it was of no real concern to me that my desk had been placed in the corner of the room. It was slightly concerning to me but I guess I must have supressed how it made me feel to be in the corner because even until just now I had not remembered feeling ashamed about it but when I slow down the event and bring it here, I do recall kind of hiding that my desk was in the corner and maybe trying to manipulate my father to distract him from being angry at me.

I think he was upset with me that I never told him or my mother that my desk was placed in the corner of the room. My mom and him talked about it in front of me and the word dunce is coming up, I think he said that to me, something about a dunce in the corner. I know he was not calling me a dunce but I think he was shocked that I found it acceptable to be in the corner like a dunce. I didn't know what a dunce was but from the tone of his voice I knew it was not a good thing.

I think he was angry at the teacher for placing me there and not talking to my parents about the problems I was having first. My mom shushed him at some point to avoid upsetting me. He was upset that no one told him I was in the corner of the room for so many months. I think they thought it would be detrimental to me in some way and I know they did not want that.

This is the first recollection I have of self-judgement

Day 15: Self-Judgement Character

Self-Judgement Character

I judge myself every day, whether it be how I look, what I say, how I say it, the sound of my voice, the way I walk, the way I sit, the clothes I wear, my hair, my skin, my body, what I write, how I interact with others, how I see things, my level of intelligence etc. and the list goes on and on. I fear directing myself in many ways because of my accepted and allowed self-judgement. I do not enjoy judging myself although its become so much a part of me that I tend to forget that I don't have to accept self-judgement. I even judge myself when I don't judge myself it is an on going self-punishing, self-diminishing pattern and I do not want to continue my life this way because I see how this is self-abusive, unproductive and non-supportive to myself and and others as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I talk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I sit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I move my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the clothing I wear and how I wear it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my hair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my feet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my legs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my veins

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my ass

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my nails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the size of my feet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my arms

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my breasts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my nose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my eyes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my neck

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my forehead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my eyelashes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my eyebrows

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my elbows

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my knees

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the grades I made in school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my level of intelligence as inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my speech patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way my body smells

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I say in conversations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I keep my room

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the job I have and my placement in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the fat on my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for using drugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being promiscuous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the food I choose to eat as fattening and judge myself as a pig

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I drink

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my handwriting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge how I prepare food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I clean

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the job I do at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I draw

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I sing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I dance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I run

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the way I jump

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my posture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge how I sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I dream about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my vocabulary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my ability to do math

I will continue to further open up this point for myself in my next blog post, it is fascinating to actually see for myself just how much and how often I have allowed myself to judge myself. I have been aware that I tend to judge myself and that self-judgement has been something I participate within often but not quite this often, I realize how extensive, exact, detailed and all-encompassing this character is.

The Self-Judgement Character

Day 14: Postponement

Day 14: Postponement

post·pone  (pst-pn, ps-pn) tr.v. post·poned, post·pon·ing, post·pones 1. To delay until a future time; put off. See Synonyms at defer1. 2. To place after in importance; subordinate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the thought of not wanting to write my blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I sat down to write my blog think that there was something else I must do like brush the cat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt about waiting to brush the cat for so long that she got some matting under her arm pit and then thinking that if I wait to brush her any longer that I am self-dishonest all the while just using that as an excuse to avoid facing me here within and as writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe and perceive that I must first rate other peoples blogs and vlogs prior to writing my blog so that I can support others all the while manipulating self so that I would postpone writing myself out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch videos instead of writing my blog because I allowed and accepted the thought that I had nothing to write about and instead of writing I could first use some 'inspiration' from other participants

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had nothing to write about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the idea that I had nothing to write about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately be self-dishonest knowing darn well that I used the idea that I had nothing of value to write about as an excuse not to face self here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make coffee and play with the animals while the coffee brewed so that I could postpone writing my blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that drinking coffee would be supportive for me to get moving and direct myself to write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dust the house with stuff to prevent bugs from entering the house so that I could postpone writing my blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am too tired to blog today and I should just do it tomorrow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voice in the head says "I am too tired to blog today, I should just do it tomorrow, I only had a few hours of sleep last night I really am tired, it's important that I get rest" thus I forgive myself that I have deliberately excused myself with this exact excuse for the last 85 days or so and waste time and diminish myself and create the consequence of not walking effectively with the group for the last 100 days as an equal participant standing here stable within and as self-dedication and self direction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that other people will have to just understand that I'm far to busy to support myself through writing right now and if I did have time I would definitely write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself as the voice in the head that it is acceptable that I do not write and through this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately spiteful to myself and others as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a conversation with the voice in the head trying to come up with new ways to limit myself and my participation but masking that I do this with excuses and justifications so that I never have to take self-responsibility for myself and this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my ass will hurt if I sit at my chair for too long and then start to think how bad it sucks that I can not afford a chair rather than realizing what I am participating within and stop myself to see in self-honesty that if I am thinking I am not here as breath and simply stop and continue writing for self-support through doing what I have committed to myself to do in the moment here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from daily writing through my accepted and allowed participation within thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that its important for me to change my clothes prior to writing so that I will feel more comfortable while I'm writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to find an aspirin because my gums hurt and that because my gums hurt I am irritated and not able to write effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow thoughts and spend time in my mind as thoughts rather then directing myself and walking the decision for myself to walk daily writing as self-support and assistance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself for not supporting myself effectively with regards to writing myself out, to sort myself out through revealing for myself what I have participated in so that I forgive myself and correct myself within and as self-responsibility and self- honesty here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sweep the kitchen and living room prior to writing out my blog because I felt it needed to be done because I put a bunch of stuff on the floor to prevent bugs from coming into the house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just now have the thought that I must go back and mop so that people won't inhale the dust from the stuff I put on the floor to prevent bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard taking the commitment I have made for myself seriously but rather find ways to keep myself busy in finding something "presumably" more important and of more value than simply being here within an as self-intimacy facing myself through writing myself out point by point breath by breath here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess about bugs getting into the house all the while not dealing with the 'bugs' I have accepted and allowed to manifest within and as me such as thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgments, beliefs, ideas, reactions, polarity, abuse, justification, shame, regret, fear, excitement, separation etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this background back-chat that my writing ability sucks and I should not write because then people will know how horrible I am at writing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a conversation with the voice in the head that I have created in separation of myself so that I won't face myself but rather entertain myself in my mind with pictures, memories and future projections thus I forgive myself to create a voice in the head to keep me in my place limited and enslaved so that I have an excuse as to why I abdicated my self-responsibility all the while only spiting myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is too hot and stuffy in this room to continue writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to eat a cherry so bad that I want to get up from my seat to do it rather then continuing to write myself out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to fear of facing self and deliberately avoid taking self-responsibility for my creation

I now see realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed self to create distractions for self and have through this been spiteful to self thus I no longer accept or allow self to fall for the tricks of the mind because I see that it is not the mind but me that is the creator of such creations because I allowed thoughts to direct me for fear of facing self thus I simply breathe, move, direct and express self in the moment here and walk the physical movements to support myself and maintain my original stand and practice daily writing, self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-correction until it is me in fact and I return to nothingness so that I can recreate myself to a being of dignity that lives and expresses what is best for all in every moment of breath equal and one as all life here

Day 13: Self-Abuse

This is a continuation of the previous blog regarding accomplishment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing self corrective statements regarding accomplishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear correcting myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to again put off writing because I was thinking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to time loop also know as a stupid loop the point of writing consistently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the I don't know, I am too dumb, this is too hard, it's all too much to handle, I am not educated, I am inferior, I can't do it, it is impossible, its not for me, I am not smart enough, I am not good enough, that is foreign too me, I am incapable, pity me, feel sorry for me, self-sabotaging, self-judgemental, self-deprecating characters so that I will never stand up for myself as life and never support myself in being effective because I give up and give in before I even get my hands dirty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of accomplishment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inconsistent, flaky and unreliable 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make all of these ideas I have of myself real by participating in thoughts of these points and not directing myself to stop immediately and forgive myself for moving into the mind and away from here within and as the physical reality within and as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed off of the energy of self-abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy of self-abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good when I feel bad and to feed off of the energy of emotional energetic movements/charges within my solar plexus

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will never know why I do this and why I like it and why i've allowed this for so long

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep this energy feeding a secret from others because I have formed a relationship with it 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to doubt myself just now and doubt that what I just forgave is really happening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access a jack-in-the-box memory of being a child filled laying in bed experiencing the same self-abusive energy of self-hate back chat as if the self abusive back-chat were a long time friend and companion a part of me who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as melancholy but only when I'm alone at night in bed where I can be alone with my friend "the energy of self-abuse"

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that I have allowed myself to become absolutely possessed by and through self-abuse that I create through accessing memories and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself and at the same time like punishing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm my human physical body through and by participating in energy without realizing that this causes the diminishment of my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider what the consequence for participating in energy will do and has done to my human physical body

I see bit more clearly now how I have created the fear of accomplishment character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to myself that I should not continue writing but rather delete my entire blog because I set an unrealistic goal for myself of writing out self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a wave of tiredness come over me

here I am, I breathe here

I commit myself to no longer give my power away to fear of writing

I commit myself to no longer fear change

I commit myself to no longer judge my self-corrective statements as inferior to others I have read

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my writing to the writing of others and always deem mine as inferior and theirs as superior and then allow the creation consequence of self-defeat and separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a consequence that would deem me seemingly unresponsible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself using logic

I commit myself to direct and move myself within and as the starting point of doing what is best for all

I commit myself to stop my participation in night time rituals of self-abusive thoughts and going into experiences of energetic movements

I commit myself to investigate what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as within self-dishonesty, separation and self-abuse

I commit myself to support myself to take self-responsibility for myself and stop hiding myself in secret in thoughts of self-abuse

I commit myself to stop emotional crying

I commit myself to self-investigate, self-writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application