Day 9: Men Why YOU!?

This blog is a continuation my blogs day:5 & day:8
I suggest reading those first to get a greater perspective of how this blog came about.

I commit myself to no longer allow or accept myself to exist as manipulation one who  uses men to gain something from them sex, money and energy

I see here I am not actually able to write out specific self corrective statements thus  I have not yet fully investigated who I am within this yet to the point of self realization with regards to actually taking responsibility therefore what is here is that I see that I have allowed myself to blame men and abuse men because I have allowed myself to separate myself from men and project my own feelings of inferiority toward men unto men and say nasty things like I hate men, men are nasty fucks, men suck, men are assholes, men are abusive, men are only good for two things, money and sex, men are stupid fucks, men are perverts, men only want one thing, men are pieces of shit and deserve to be treated poorly, men are players, men are dense, men are boring, men stick together and deceive women, men only care about one thing (sex) men always think with their dick heads and not their real heads and within this I have allowed and accepted myself to blame men for the self-judgement I have accepted and allowed of myself to ultimately attain a position of power and superiority in my mind to win. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior to men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say nasty things about myself and then suppress those points through blaming and judging men so that I never have to take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a nasty fucker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as suckie

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as an asshole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as abusive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as only good for two purposes making money and having sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a stupid fuck

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as perverse 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for only wanting one thing from men thus I had never allowed myself to be intimate with me here within self-investigation, self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-responsibility and self-correction to see what I was allowing and accepting and stop myself from existing as a spiteful, angry person 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself through accepting and allowing myself to blame and judge men and then project the anger I have toward myself at them 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others as one with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a piece of shit that only  deserves to be treated poorly

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that the only one that is able to treat me poorly is me 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be with men that treat me poorly so then I can confirm the idea I have of myself that men are in fact all the definitions I have believe them to be in my self-dishonesty so again I did not have to face myself and the consequences I create for myself for the acceptance and allowance of separation and self-dishonesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a player and become a player and play with men as if they are a commodity to fulfill all my wants and needs with their goods and services (money, sex and energy)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as dense and actually become dense meaning I allowed myself to build up this dense fort as defense so that I would never have to take responsibility for myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself boring, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the manifestation of bordem from the perspective that I always did the same tricks in an attempt to not face consequence the reality of what I have allowed as myself the limitation I have allowed as myself, the fear I have allowed of and as myself, the blame and self-judgement I have allowed myself to exist as and express as if I were real when in reality I was not real at all just a program living out a pre-programmed life an organic robot that only acted from the starting point of reactions, feelings, emotions, opinions, fear ect. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only allow women to know what I was really up to being honest but still not self honest as a way to get back at men and build up an idea that I had comradery with another and used that point as a way to justify all the blame and judgement I was projecting onto men (men are bad women are good)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge men as bad and women as good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in polarity manifestations of the mind consciousness system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define all women as inferior to men therefore I allowed the feeling of  needing to form a team or group to stand with to combat men to stand with women as equal enforcers of my beliefs

I will continue my investigations and self-forgiveness in the blog to come, it is again time for bed... Thanks for reading.

Day 8: Boyfriend #1 intertwined with Boyfriend #2

My Second Boyfriend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat on my first boyfriend with my second boyfriend because I was too shit scared and felt sorry for my first boyfriend that I figured it was more fucked up to leave him than to cheat on him and stay because a little of me in his life was better than none

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that he never really did deserve me and that I was too good for him because I was taller, older and better looking comparably 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used this excuse as a valid and justifiable reason to cheat on someone so that I never had to take responsibility for my nasty behavior and for treating someone without respect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk all over boyfriend #1 to get what I wanted from him and pretend that I really cared when I didn't care about anything but my own self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful toward him because I felt his kindness was not true or real but an ill attempt to keep me to be his as if I were a prize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self-honest because that would have meant I would have to come clean about all the terrible shit I did behind his back and admit to my self-dishonesty, deception, manipulation and ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have said that I kissed his friend so he would leave me because I didnt have the courage to be self-honest with him so instead of telling him what I had really been up to, I just used something that would be easy so I knew he would be angry and leave me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to all the while only use "kissing his friend" as a decoy for what I had actually been up to, to excuse myself from what I had really been up to  flirting with and spending lots of time being wooed by a totally different man for months prior to leaving him "kissing his friend" seemed like the lesser of two evils I went for the bait 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be aroused by the idea of being caught with another man and liking to do something sneaky for the adrenaline rush of energy using spite/deceit/sneakiness as the fuel for my ego to run on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel aroused when a man "seduces me"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea of being seduced as a point of justification so that I can ultimately blame them and perceive and project that I'm innocent "actually" and then be able to say it was all their fault

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the cowardly way out and even when he said he would stay with me and that he would forgive me to make it seem as if I was nice enough to come clean so he wouldn't hear that I kissed his friend through the grape vine and say to him that I was so sorry but that it just wouldn't work with no real explanation 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead him on for months and use him for sex and oral sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start a secret romance with my second boyfriend for months before finally admitting to my first boyfriend that I was no longer interested in being in a relationship with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never explore myself within and as self honesty in seeing what would develop if I were to have just been self honest with him as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the rush and adventure of being with a man that was new and totally different and of a different race 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be aroused by having sex with a man of a different race to spite my family and friends to show them I have power and control and I can do what I want all the while never seeing the individual just using them to get energy from them like a vampire

I will continue tomorrow it is time for bed 

Day 7: Heaviness Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing more on the topic of weight gain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about what I will say this time around have have future projections of not getting to the core of weight gain because it has so many dimensions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I am not aware enough to fully see what I have allowed and accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility for what I have created through using the excuse that I am not aware enough to understand myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as spite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find anything to do other than write out my self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not find the vocabulary to forgive myself correctly and to write out self corrective statements correctly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear gaining weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will always gain weight because I will never be able to be self-honest about food and my relationship to food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior to food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am unable to make clear decisions about food and eating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fat as negative as something disgusting / revolting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my human physical body to such an extent that I do not know what is supportive for my body with regards to food and eating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will never figure out what to eat and will always be subject to being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that food causes me to become fat while all the while disregarding how I have created my body this way through eating for the mind and not as self support for my body here equal and one with food as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body because I was in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I will never figure this out as a back-door excuse for not wanting to actually forgive myself for my acceptance and allowances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make eating to be an experience rather then me simply eating to support my body standing equal to all foods as me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge food and to fear food because of the many judgement's allowed myself to project onto food

I forgive myself for not allowing or accepting myself to be here present within and as breath while I eat but rather I have immediately allowed myself to participate in back-chat about the food the portion the effect the food might have on my body how the food will make me look

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking a certain way because I have given value to a picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to look good on the outside as a particular picture (thin) so people will judge me as the picture so that no one will ever know what is going on within me and think I have it all together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the self judgement I have accepted and allowed onto others and through this abdicate self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility and through this allow my body to suffer the consequence

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to see that my body is here supporting me as it to see what I have allowed and accepted so that I can face myself and the inner darkness I want to keep secret from everyone most of all myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn to food as a way to cope with the inner conflict I exist as instead of breathing, writing, applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and walk the correction here within and as the physical

I commit to writing when conflicts arise and no longer allow myself to turn to food to cope with what is here as me but rather breath, write, apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and walk the correction because I am able to do so - it is my responsibility to correct myself for all self-dishonesty I have allowed, accepted and created

Gaining weight is not about food its about me not directing myself to take self-responsibility for memories, emotions, feelings, thoughts, judgements ect. It is not food at all its not my body's fault my body has supported me equal and one within showing me through weight gain that I was missing myself I was missing the point the point is me.