Friday, September 13, 2013

Day 47: Judgment Day



Meeting my maker, my thoughts...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will judge me


Looking more closely at this point I see that I don’t truly fear that people will judge me, I fear that maybe once everything is all out in the open people will see my vulnerability and that somehow this will place me in dangern either physically or emotionally most likely emotionally therefore when I look at this point I see that I’m resisting an emotional experience and don’t want to be emotional about something because then I will be in a position of inferiority and weakness but really I don’t have to become emotional because I realize commonsensically that emotions can be stopped in a single moment in a single breath so therefore there is no need to fear but rather simply stop, period, stop my participation and be here breathe here.


I will continue to investigate this point and flagpoint the experience and slowly walk back-wards to see the timeline of events where this patterned exists


I have pre-planned and pre-programmed a specific consequence for myself so then I can simply blame the so called choice I made as "bad ones" rather than seeing in self-honesty that I participated in such points so that I can do what I want, instead of walking my will


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that other people are judging me or other people are thinking about me as a way to blame rather then realize that within this manipulation tactic I have actually allowed self-abuse, separation and abdicated my self-responsibility


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to commit to taking self-responsibility in writing and in word but not in deed where it matters


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been living the word judgement as the definition: opinions expressed as facts


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and give into thoughts, feelings and emotions all of which are self-created


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make walking my process about others and worry about what others might think about me rather than walking this process for myself


I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to effectively walk my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuses of "but, but I don't know how to do all of this" it's too hard and I can't do it" it's not possible" I have to be much smarter than I am"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about process and have opinions about process rather then in the moment simply stop my participation in thoughts, judgements, opinions and limitation

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to self-honestly investigate the above statements and therefore see realize and understand that I could never understand process through thinking about process because process does not require thought, feelings, emotions, ideas, opinions, fear, energy the mind does not like simplicity but rather complication and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself as my mind to avoid taking self-responsibility


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask for permission from people rather than trusting myself to make a direct, self-honest, common sense decision that is best for all


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave myself open to receive  direction from people thus implying that I am a slave

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a slave to the mind


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this tactic as a means to avoid taking responsibility and as a way to ultimately blame others for my short comings

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Day 46: Paranoia: What are they thinking about me?!?!




Paranoia: What are they thinking about me?

"paranoia |ˌparəˈnoiə|
noun
a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically elaborated into an organized system. It may be an aspect of chronic personality disorder, of drug abuse, or of a serious condition such as schizophrenia in which the person loses touch with reality.
suspicion and mistrust of people or their actions without evidence or justification : the global paranoia about hackers and viruses.
DERIVATIVES
paranoiac |-ˈnoi-ak; -ˈnoi-ik| adjective & noun
paranoiacally adverb
paranoic |-ˈnoi-ik| adjective
paranoically adverb
ORIGIN early 19th cent.: modern Latin, from Greek, from paranoos ‘distracted,’ from para ‘irregular’ + noos ‘mind.’"


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to care about what other people think about me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will not accept me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize or understand that the fear of exposing myself is actually the fear of exposing my thoughts, feelings and emotions


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to share my process and share myself and what I’ve done and thoughts I have had that people will undoubtedly judge me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people always judge me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what other people might be thinking about me and immediately think they must be thinking the worst and then judge myself immediately and agree with my mind that what they might be thinking which is the worst is true and then feel bad about myself and feel inferior and even then resist speaking to certain people that I think are the most judgemental


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself to and as my memories thoughts feelings and emotions


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the policeman in my head and not step out of “line” so to speak


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to preprogramming through accepting and allowing this point of back-chat to direct and control me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking myself on as my mind as thoughts feelings and emotions


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize or understand that I have created myself this way therefore to change I must become responsible and correct myself to no longer exist as this limited version of myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to thoughts, feelings and emotions and never practically embrace me within and as self intimacy to no longer define myself as the mind as thoughts, feelings emotions and thus limitation


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing approval from people if they actually see who I have allowed and accepted myself to be


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if people don’t know me they are more likely to accept me and give me the benefit of the doubt


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am fooling others not seeing realizing or understanding that I have only been pretending to fool others but in fact I have been deliberately fooling myself


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself and thus not embrace myself as self-forgiveness and self-correction


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have met Bernard in person so badly and everyone at the farm so they possibly support me to see and realize things about myself that I have not been humble enough to investigate for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to remain humble


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to take responsibility for me and at the same time resent it when people support me with direction because I see that I have simply given my power away by not actually investigating the point for myself first


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to make decisions that are best for all


I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to embrace and apply the support shared/given to me by others unconditionally


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to receive support in vain and still sabotage myself through rebellion


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to actually hear/here the support that has being shared with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe thoughts


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist humility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent vulnerability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent vulnerability because I fear it would make me look weak in the eyes of others and thus open to abuse


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the supported and not see or realize that I can also support others through firstly supporting myself here


I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to embrace or respond to the unconditional support given and shared by others


I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to practically support myself to actually change me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to encapsulate myself behind the walls of the mind and use these fake “walls” as veils to screen myself from seeing myself for real


To be continued in my next blog.


*Oxford Dictionary

Monday, August 12, 2013

Day 45: BERNARD POOLMAN



Bernard Poolman


An honorable, self-sacrificing man that could be trusted, a man with Integrity. A man who lead by living as an example. A man that lived as all as one as equal as life - died yesterday.
It is a sad day when the world no longer has a man that lives like he is alive and not exist like he is dying.


It’s unbelievable and surreal to even be writing this. I am grateful for his dedication and for the offering of simple solutions that he shared daily, constantly, consistently and continually.


I met Bernard Poolman on the Desteni forum in 2008 back then he wrote under the username “common sense.” When I first read his words I was astounded by his specificity, support, assistance, insight, common sense and the by the self-honesty that he shared. His overall expression impressed me and impressed upon me the value of self-responsibility and the value of life. He never judged. He may have pushed the necessary buttons to support beings to step it up and stop limitation, but it was within the starting point of equality - real love.


Sadly, he was different than any being I had ever encountered. I say sadly because how he lived is extremely rare and unfortunately only lived by very few in this world.


He showed me that I could be more than the limited being I allowed myself believe I was. He taught by living as an example what’s possible when one remains here as breath. He taught many, many things to me more than I can name here because it was over a course of 5 years, I don’t think he ever slept. He was able to produce so much written material and video interviews it is seemed unreal. He touched on all topics, subjects and he investigated all things and over the last 5 years I have had the pleasure to speak with him, laugh with him, share with him, read his words, listen to his interviews and learn from his example. He was all these things yet not limited to them he was undefinable in that he embraced all as self here.


He taught me that how I had defined myself was by a definition that I accepted in separation of myself and that I could delete the definition I accepted in inequality and rewrite and redefine what it is I wanted to live as, and for within and as the principle of equality and oneness within and as all life. He taught me how to apply all of this through utilizing the process of practice, self-responsibility, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-correction.

He taught me that intelligence is common sense, and the ability to treat another how I would like to be treated. He shared with me a simple mathematical equation 1+1=2 that I’m able to apply in each moment to support myself. He showed me how to consider the consequences of my actions, words and deeds and thus prevent those which are not best for all life and to do this if it is my will to live a dignified life, a life that is actually best for all, a life worthy of living and to give myself purpose and meaning.



He taught me to be considerate and how to treat and care for animals, humans, the earth, water all that is here and to consider myself and care for myself as an equal part of the whole, here. He taught me how to breath and remain here present physical, he taught me to become aware of my human physical body. He lived as an example of what it is to become one’s greatest expression.                              
He lived as an example of what is possible if one is willing to be self-honest and stand up and stop existing as an organic robot and start directing oneself within a new, clear starting point a starting point of equality and oneness. He showed us how to embrace ourselves as all that exists here and take responsibility for the mess we have created, every part of it - and start forgiving ourselves once and for all so we stop creating separation and abuse and start living and enjoying self-intimacy and self-expression.


He stood as a fine example of how to actually, practically live the words of Jesus to do unto another as I would like to have done unto me and to give as I would like to receive. He lived this absolutely. He didn’t talk about it, he walked the talk and showed in his consistency, stability and steadfastness that it is possible.


He showed me what it is to be courageous and fearless he never let the haters move him. It takes courage to live self-honestly. I never knew that someone could be so effective, gentle, humble, confident, direct, funny, clear, loyal, precise, interesting, disciplined, supportive, self-responsible, dynamic, unconditional, and self-honest.


I can not yet fully express in words all the ways he has supported me and many, many others. The support he shared was unconditional and absolute and he lived this as self-expression. It wasn’t something he boasted about but rather something he invited all to participate within and to become a part of, to realize that there is absolutely no exclusivity in life but it is here for all who are willing to let go of their ego and walk the process of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-correction and rebuild oneself to become a being that can be trusted with life and live a life of dignity and respect because this will support one to prove to be able to trust themselves.


He taught me by example what is real love. He was and still is my greatest support and now I realize I must be this support for myself and walk this process for myself breath by breath. I am the key, no one can walk my process for me for although he has been a great example. He was a visionary, truly genuine and real.

The words he spoke and the tonality of his voice could stir one's inner waters. He lived within and as the words he spoke he could be counted and trusted. 
He walked as an example of what is capable if one forgave themselves and correct themselves to be an effective human being that can be trusted.

He showed us how money could be used as a tool if it were given to all equally. He showed examples of how to create equality through the use of money as a starting point so that every human and animals basic needs are met and also within this a principle could be lived what is best for all is best for self this of course includes nature the earth, the air. Everything and everyone here.
I’m still working on building my vocabulary to be able to effectively express myself which was something he also supported me and many others with. He taught me to be critical and not jump to conclusions based on ideas, memories, feelings, emotions, interpretations, associations etc. I am so very grateful for the moments I spoke with him and for all that he has shared and for that which was given unconditionally. 

I am grateful for the self-forgiveness statements he wrote that I can speak out loud and utilize still as a point of self-support and assistance for myself when I myself have not been able to be self-honest enough to explore the points on my own - so that I can also see that I can do it and also live the same words as myself.

It has been 5 years and I am very grateful to be here today to write this witness statement. I had the honor and pleasure to witness a person who truly cared and truly loved thank you Bernard Poolman thank you to your children who you have raised so well and proven that parents are able to be effective living examples.

He showed me what it is to live and how to live by example to also support others in their processes. It is each one's turn to give to another what we would like to receive. That is all he ever asked of anyone and did not accept anything less.

His expression will never die, he lived in a way that even after death, he is much more alive today than most. You're life was not in vain it was an effective life worth living the world is a better one because of you. I'm a practivist because of you, I will not stop until it is D-ONE and we are in fact equal and one.

I commit to live a life within the principle of equality and oneness I breathe, I stand, I express and I walk.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Day 44: More Bugs




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear getting parasites in my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a tick stick onto my body and dig its feet into my body and suck my blood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug will fly or walk into my mouth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge moths as ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stung by a bee or a wasp

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into fear that a bee or wasp will sting me because they will be able to sense that I fear them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge flies as filthy dirty disgusting insects that will get filth on me if it lands on me eg. faeces

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving food out because a bug or fly might get into it and I might eat it and it might end up in my stomach and cause me to become sick or get a parasite that will cause me to get extremely ill and possibly die

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get a parasite or give a parasite to someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsessively fear getting or having a parasite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get a parasite in my heart

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get a parasite in my brain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might get or have a parasite in my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to pictures of parasites and start imagining all of them in my body and then worry that somehow I might get one if I'm not careful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs with long skinny tentacles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs with many legs and long skinny legs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bed bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear cockroaches

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scorpions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear centipedes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear millipedes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear locusts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear swarms

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear black widows

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear hairy spiders

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs that walk on water

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and hate mosquitoes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear child of the earth insects

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear microscopic bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear mites

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ticks

to be continued...

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Day 43: It's all as me here



Did you ever have a look at yourself self-honestly and go wow I'm a real jerk? I'm one of those people I gossip about, I'm one of those people that gossips, I'm one of those people I despise, I'm one of those egotistical freaks, I'm one of those addicts, I'm one of those people I loathe, I'm one of those selfish people I resent, I'm one of those people who lies to themselves and everyone else, I'm one of those people who is weak, I'm one of those people who is afraid and scared, I'm one of those people who is greedy, I'm one of those people who likes to win and thus accepts losers, I'm one of those liars, I'm one of those people who consumes, I'm one of those people who likes division, I'm one of those racists, I'm one of those prejudice people, I'm one of those people who feels sorry for themselves, I'm one of those people who is fake, I'm one of those people who cheats, I'm one of those people who uses, I'm one of those people who abuses, I'm one of those people who judges, I'm one of those people who steals, I'm one of those people who doesn't know themselves, I'm one of those people obsessed with body image, I'm one of those losers, I'm one of those people who hates, I'm all these characters I claim to hate yet I deny it by blaming others of it.

Self-honesty is not fun or pretty it can be quite fucked up to realize everything I have accepted and allowed and even more fucked up to realize that I have fucked myself so much that it has become hard to face, see, realize understand and take self-responsiblity for myself. Who knew self-honesty would be difficult? Who knew I actually created myself in such a way that I would find it hard to consider others and look at myself and correct myself and stop participating in my creation.

Before I found Desteni and started walking my process writing and applying self-forgiveness I thought somehow in this world I had a purpose in life and I thought once I found that purpose I would be fulfilled and satisfied. The purpose I wanted was only to please my ego and self-interest, I never really gave a true fuck about anyone else or anything else just simply cared about how I would look to others for my accomplishments and about the fuzzy feeling I would have. I have the opportunity to do something and give myself a purpose I realize it is difficult because I have allowed myself to be programmed. The purpose I was looking for was actually just a means to acquire energy like a vampire sucking blood from its victim.

I still haven't cried properly, I'm not sure what I'm holding onto and not sure why but writing has been supportive.


Monday, December 10, 2012

Day 42: I'm Buggin



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scream in horror when I see a bug or if one flies near me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug touching my skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug buzzing near my ear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug crawling into my mouth at night

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be captivated by some insects and repulsed by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stung or bitten by a bug

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define bugs as dirty and gross

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs crawling on my skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to especially fear bugs with very hard outer shells and fly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only fear bugs that are not visually pretty according to what I think is pretty or interesting for instance a butterfly, lady bug, praying mantis, walking stick, rollie pollie, spiders or a caterpillar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spider webs and be completely disgusted when I touch one or walk into one by accident

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the feeling of spider web on my hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and feel grossed out when I see other people touch old spider webs with their bear hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of bug legs and little feet on my skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if a bug is too close for too long it might get me sick somehow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be grossed out by those big green fat bugs because I'm afraid that I might accidentally squash it and then its guts will gush everywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs because I can not communicate with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that because certain insects are so small they might sting me before I even know it so I run so they won't get close

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs because I can not control them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that an insect might attach to me so much that I can not get it off of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting a disease from an insect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bugs because I don't fully understand them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be prejudice against insects

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from bugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear insects

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a bug sucking my blood and passing another persons blood into my blood stream

To be continued...


Sunday, December 9, 2012

Day 41: Cleanliness is next to godliness



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to clean out as a reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the cleaning character from my mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recreate a program through accepting and allowing myself to exist as a cleaning character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back-chat about my mothers reactions to the condition of my home and wish she never came over for a visit in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mothers reaction before her visit during her visit and judge myself after she left

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what my mother might say to me about how my house looks and then start cleaning from the reaction of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to clean from the starting point of pleasing what I perceived my mothers idea of an acceptable clean home would look and smell like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as dirty and as a slob

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will think less of me if my house is not clean and orderly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as disorganized, dirty and a slob

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to clean from the polarity reaction of dirty is bad and clean is good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself if my house isn't clean and feel good about myself if my house is clean

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and listen to the words in my head "cleanliness is next to godliness" while I'm cleaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that cleanliness is next to godliness and not actually consider what this saying means, if it is in fact common sense or fuzzy logic

Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to clear my starting pointf rather then just blindly living words that I heard someone speak based on my idea of what it meant based on my beliefs, ideas and opinions

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the atrocious conditions billions of people must suffer and accept as their standard living condition because of an unequal money system

I forgive myself thgat I have accepted and allowed myself to make such a huge deal out of cleaning while not considering others and how allowing and accepting back-chat is actually creating unhealthy living conditions for many beings in this world, humans, animals etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted or allowed myself to make cleaning into a positive and negatively charged event rather then simply seeing the common sense points to consider regarding cleanliness such as hygiene for example

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if someone makes a "mess" that they are somehow being disrespectful toward me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take messes personally whether they are my own or if others have made them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a huge deal of cleaning

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question the saying that cleanliness is next to godliness because if that were the case then how come god would allow such disgusting living conditions for so many beings so much so that even drinking water unclean and unsafe to drink

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame god for people living in disgusting living conditions and not realize that I am co-creating and equally participating in this world therefore I am equally responsible for cleaning it up and stopping the atrocities by prevention rather than getting to a point where so many people have to suffer at the hands of the elite because our monetary system is based on winners and losers
 
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that people have to sift through trash to find food because I have allowed and accepted a world that is unequal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied within my own little bubble so much so that I have not considered all the consequences of allowing myself to exist as this cleaning character that only cares about my ego and wanting others to see me as clean and well put together

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize or understand that no one should ever have to live in an unclean unsafe environment

I commit myself to being a custodian to clear myself and clean up this world as myself so that no matter who or where anyone is at any given moment anyone can swap places with anyone and be satisfied because all are equal, respected and able live a life of dignity

I commit myself to practicing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-correction so that one day I may stand equal to and one with self-trust within and as self-honesty within and as breath within and as moment here within and as self-expression

I commit myself to clean up the mess I have made I start here through writing to see where I am still self-dishonest forgiving myself within and as self-honesty and walk the necessary self-correction