Day 46: Paranoia: What are they thinking about me?!?!

Paranoia: What are they thinking about me?

"paranoia |ˌparəˈnoiə|

noun

a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically elaborated into an organized system. It may be an aspect of chronic personality disorder, of drug abuse, or of a serious condition such as schizophrenia in which the person loses touch with reality.

• suspicion and mistrust of people or their actions without evidence or justification : the global paranoia about hackers and viruses.

DERIVATIVES

paranoiac |-ˈnoi-ak; -ˈnoi-ik| adjective & noun

paranoiacally adverb

paranoic |-ˈnoi-ik| adjective

paranoically adverb

ORIGIN early 19th cent.: modern Latin, from Greek, from paranoos ‘distracted,’ from para ‘irregular’ + noos ‘mind.’"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to care about what other people think about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will not accept me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize or understand that the fear of exposing myself is actually the fear of exposing my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to share my process and share myself and what I’ve done and thoughts I have had that people will undoubtedly judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people always judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what other people might be thinking about me and immediately think they must be thinking the worst and then judge myself immediately and agree with my mind that what they might be thinking which is the worst is true and then feel bad about myself and feel inferior and even then resist speaking to certain people that I think are the most judgemental

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself to and as my memories thoughts feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the policeman in my head and not step out of “line” so to speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to preprogramming through accepting and allowing this point of back-chat to direct and control me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking myself on as my mind as thoughts feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize or understand that I have created myself this way therefore to change I must become responsible and correct myself to no longer exist as this limited version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to thoughts, feelings and emotions and never practically embrace me within and as self intimacy to no longer define myself as the mind as thoughts, feelings emotions and thus limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing approval from people if they actually see who I have allowed and accepted myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if people don’t know me they are more likely to accept me and give me the benefit of the doubt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am fooling others not seeing realizing or understanding that I have only been pretending to fool others but in fact I have been deliberately fooling myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself and thus not embrace myself as self-forgiveness and self-correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have met Bernard in person so badly and everyone at the farm so they possibly support me to see and realize things about myself that I have not been humble enough to investigate for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to remain humble

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to take responsibility for me and at the same time resent it when people support me with direction because I see that I have simply given my power away by not actually investigating the point for myself first

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to make decisions that are best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to embrace and apply the support shared/given to me by others unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to receive support in vain and still sabotage myself through rebellion

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to actually hear/here the support that has being shared with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist humility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent vulnerability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent vulnerability because I fear it would make me look weak in the eyes of others and thus open to abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the supported and not see or realize that I can also support others through firstly supporting myself here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to embrace or respond to the unconditional support given and shared by others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to practically support myself to actually change me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to encapsulate myself behind the walls of the mind and use these fake “walls” as veils to screen myself from seeing myself for real

To be continued in my next blog.

*Oxford Dictionary