Day 46: Paranoia: What are they thinking about me?!?!

Paranoia: What are they thinking about me?

"paranoia |ˌparəˈnoiə|

noun

a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically elaborated into an organized system. It may be an aspect of chronic personality disorder, of drug abuse, or of a serious condition such as schizophrenia in which the person loses touch with reality.

• suspicion and mistrust of people or their actions without evidence or justification : the global paranoia about hackers and viruses.

DERIVATIVES

paranoiac |-ˈnoi-ak; -ˈnoi-ik| adjective & noun

paranoiacally adverb

paranoic |-ˈnoi-ik| adjective

paranoically adverb

ORIGIN early 19th cent.: modern Latin, from Greek, from paranoos ‘distracted,’ from para ‘irregular’ + noos ‘mind.’"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to care about what other people think about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will not accept me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize or understand that the fear of exposing myself is actually the fear of exposing my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to share my process and share myself and what I’ve done and thoughts I have had that people will undoubtedly judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people always judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what other people might be thinking about me and immediately think they must be thinking the worst and then judge myself immediately and agree with my mind that what they might be thinking which is the worst is true and then feel bad about myself and feel inferior and even then resist speaking to certain people that I think are the most judgemental

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself to and as my memories thoughts feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the policeman in my head and not step out of “line” so to speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to preprogramming through accepting and allowing this point of back-chat to direct and control me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking myself on as my mind as thoughts feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize or understand that I have created myself this way therefore to change I must become responsible and correct myself to no longer exist as this limited version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to thoughts, feelings and emotions and never practically embrace me within and as self intimacy to no longer define myself as the mind as thoughts, feelings emotions and thus limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing approval from people if they actually see who I have allowed and accepted myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if people don’t know me they are more likely to accept me and give me the benefit of the doubt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am fooling others not seeing realizing or understanding that I have only been pretending to fool others but in fact I have been deliberately fooling myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself and thus not embrace myself as self-forgiveness and self-correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have met Bernard in person so badly and everyone at the farm so they possibly support me to see and realize things about myself that I have not been humble enough to investigate for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to remain humble

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to take responsibility for me and at the same time resent it when people support me with direction because I see that I have simply given my power away by not actually investigating the point for myself first

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to make decisions that are best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to embrace and apply the support shared/given to me by others unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to receive support in vain and still sabotage myself through rebellion

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to actually hear/here the support that has being shared with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist humility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent vulnerability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent vulnerability because I fear it would make me look weak in the eyes of others and thus open to abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the supported and not see or realize that I can also support others through firstly supporting myself here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to embrace or respond to the unconditional support given and shared by others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to practically support myself to actually change me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to encapsulate myself behind the walls of the mind and use these fake “walls” as veils to screen myself from seeing myself for real

To be continued in my next blog.

*Oxford Dictionary

Day 45: BERNARD POOLMAN

Bernard Poolman

An honorable, self-sacrificing man that could be trusted, a man with Integrity. A man who lead by living as an example. A man that lived as all as one as equal as life - died yesterday.

It is a sad day when the world no longer has a man that lives like he is alive and not exist like he is dying.

It’s unbelievable and surreal to even be writing this. I am grateful for his dedication and for the offering of simple solutions that he shared daily, constantly, consistently and continually.

I met Bernard Poolman on the Desteni forum in 2008 back then he wrote under the username “common sense.” When I first read his words I was astounded by his specificity, support, assistance, insight, common sense and the by the self-honesty that he shared. His overall expression impressed me and impressed upon me the value of self-responsibility and the value of life. He never judged. He may have pushed the necessary buttons to support beings to step it up and stop limitation, but it was within the starting point of equality - real love.

Sadly, he was different than any being I had ever encountered. I say sadly because how he lived is extremely rare and unfortunately only lived by very few in this world.

He showed me that I could be more than the limited being I allowed myself believe I was. He taught by living as an example what’s possible when one remains here as breath. He taught many, many things to me more than I can name here because it was over a course of 5 years, I don’t think he ever slept. He was able to produce so much written material and video interviews it is seemed unreal. He touched on all topics, subjects and he investigated all things and over the last 5 years I have had the pleasure to speak with him, laugh with him, share with him, read his words, listen to his interviews and learn from his example. He was all these things yet not limited to them he was undefinable in that he embraced all as self here.

He taught me that how I had defined myself was by a definition that I accepted in separation of myself and that I could delete the definition I accepted in inequality and rewrite and redefine what it is I wanted to live as, and for within and as the principle of equality and oneness within and as all life. He taught me how to apply all of this through utilizing the process of practice, self-responsibility, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-correction.

He taught me that intelligence is common sense, and the ability to treat another how I would like to be treated. He shared with me a simple mathematical equation 1+1=2 that I’m able to apply in each moment to support myself. He showed me how to consider the consequences of my actions, words and deeds and thus prevent those which are not best for all life and to do this if it is my will to live a dignified life, a life that is actually best for all, a life worthy of living and to give myself purpose and meaning.

He taught me to be considerate and how to treat and care for animals, humans, the earth, water all that is here and to consider myself and care for myself as an equal part of the whole, here. He taught me how to breath and remain here present physical, he taught me to become aware of my human physical body. He lived as an example of what it is to become one’s greatest expression.                              
He lived as an example of what is possible if one is willing to be self-honest and stand up and stop existing as an organic robot and start directing oneself within a new, clear starting point a starting point of equality and oneness. He showed us how to embrace ourselves as all that exists here and take responsibility for the mess we have created, every part of it - and start forgiving ourselves once and for all so we stop creating separation and abuse and start living and enjoying self-intimacy and self-expression.

He stood as a fine example of how to actually, practically live the words of Jesus to do unto another as I would like to have done unto me and to give as I would like to receive. He lived this absolutely. He didn’t talk about it, he walked the talk and showed in his consistency, stability and steadfastness that it is possible.

He showed me what it is to be courageous and fearless he never let the haters move him. It takes courage to live self-honestly. I never knew that someone could be so effective, gentle, humble, confident, direct, funny, clear, loyal, precise, interesting, disciplined, supportive, self-responsible, dynamic, unconditional, and self-honest.

I can not yet fully express in words all the ways he has supported me and many, many others. The support he shared was unconditional and absolute and he lived this as self-expression. It wasn’t something he boasted about but rather something he invited all to participate within and to become a part of, to realize that there is absolutely no exclusivity in life but it is here for all who are willing to let go of their ego and walk the process of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-correction and rebuild oneself to become a being that can be trusted with life and live a life of dignity and respect because this will support one to prove to be able to trust themselves.

He taught me by example what is real love. He was and still is my greatest support and now I realize I must be this support for myself and walk this process for myself breath by breath. I am the key, no one can walk my process for me for although he has been a great example. He was a visionary, truly genuine and real.

The words he spoke and the tonality of his voice could stir one's inner waters. He lived within and as the words he spoke he could be counted and trusted. 

He walked as an example of what is capable if one forgave themselves and correct themselves to be an effective human being that can be trusted.

He showed us how money could be used as a tool if it were given to all equally. He showed examples of how to create equality through the use of money as a starting point so that every human and animals basic needs are met and also within this a principle could be lived what is best for all is best for self this of course includes nature the earth, the air. Everything and everyone here.

I’m still working on building my vocabulary to be able to effectively express myself which was something he also supported me and many others with. He taught me to be critical and not jump to conclusions based on ideas, memories, feelings, emotions, interpretations, associations etc. I am so very grateful for the moments I spoke with him and for all that he has shared and for that which was given unconditionally. 

I am grateful for the self-forgiveness statements he wrote that I can speak out loud and utilize still as a point of self-support and assistance for myself when I myself have not been able to be self-honest enough to explore the points on my own - so that I can also see that I can do it and also live the same words as myself.

It has been 5 years and I am very grateful to be here today to write this witness statement. I had the honor and pleasure to witness a person who truly cared and truly loved thank you Bernard Poolman thank you to your children who you have raised so well and proven that parents are able to be effective living examples.
He showed me what it is to live and how to live by example to also support others in their processes. It is each one's turn to give to another what we would like to receive. That is all he ever asked of anyone and did not accept anything less.

His expression will never die, he lived in a way that even after death, he is much more alive today than most. You're life was not in vain it was an effective life worth living the world is a better one because of you. I'm a practivist because of you, I will not stop until it is D-ONE and we are in fact equal and one.

I commit to live a life within the principle of equality and oneness I breathe, I stand, I express and I walk.